I am using Evanescence for my story. I think it's a beautiful song, when you can't find the words to describe the events that can suddenly change your life. Never underestimate the strength, or the pain of those around you, adult or child.
WARNING for those who may have Triggers: ~Cancer, & ~Death
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9MHGtlEYZBA
"In the distance a school bell rings."
I hear it, I see the children around me running across the playground as teachers are ushering them back in doors, back to the classrooms that wait for us, but I am fixed on the rain clouds rolling in from the distance. I can't take my eyes off them. "Has no one told you, she's not breathing?" Those words are what play over and over again as I stand, lost in my trance, unable to follow suit with the other children.
Suddenly, a voice comforting and quiet breaks the fog surrounding me, but I realize it is my own voice. My own mind, trying to make sense of the pain."Hello, I'm your mind, giving you someone to talk to...Hello..." But, the words echo and give me some sort of normalcy as I turn, and drag after the few children left walking into the school.
The teacher's their smiles are sad as they look at me, their eyes trying to hide the pity they feel. I smile as I make my way past them. I know, if I smile and don't believe the pity I see in their faces, than soon I'll wake from this dream, and life will continue as it always has. A hand touches my shoulder, and I jump unprepared. I look up to see my favorite teacher, smiling down at me, a box in her hand. Before I can respond she drops to my level, and holds the box out for me.
Catherine, I bought you a present. I thought, maybe it would help.
I do my best to smile at my favorite teacher, as I take the box from her hand, she is looking at me like she wants me to open it now, and I'm only ten years old, waiting has never been my strongest attribute. So, right there in the middle of the school hallway, I open the box and when I do, my eyes fill with tears. Anger fills my dark eyes, and I can't help the scream that leaves my throat, as I stare back at my teacher.
DON'T TRY TO FIX ME, I'M NOT BROKEN!
My voice cracks, and tears stream down my face as I throw the box, and turn fleeing down the hall and into the nearest bathroom, locking myself in an empty stall. All I can see is the wig over and over again as I sit there, I hadn't thought much about it. Loosing my hair that is. It would grow back, after the cancer went away, that's what mommy had told me, the day I had woke up and my dark curls fell from my pillow. I had cried then, thinking I was finally broken, but mommy had said I was beautiful anyway. So, instead of being sad, I was proud. Or so I thought.
My voice cracks with the tears, as again, that still small voice breaks into my thoughts, and I realize once more it is my own mind, speaking to me.. helping me to understand the truth. Hello, I'm the lie living for you, so you can hide..Don't cry.. With a deep breathe, I stand and unlock the stall door, and with clarity, suddenly I know I'm not sleeping. This is real, this dream I thought I could wake up from is my reality, and I know I must fight it, and live it regardless of the pity filled eyes, and sad smiles of the teachers.
As I find my inner strength I make my way to the sink and splash cold water on my face, erasing the streaks of tears, removing the pain and fear that held my eyes so captive, and this time the voice I hear isn't the voice in my head, it's my voice loud, clear, and ready to face this fight.
Hello, I'm still here, all that's left of yesterday.. is memories. Today is a new day, and so is tomorrow. So I will fight this cancer, and I will win. Because I'm not broken.
As my words drift off, and fill my soul with new meaning, I leave the bathroom, the pain, the tears, and my fears, behind. Determined, even at my young age, to make the world see me as my mommy does, a strong beautiful bald little girl with the spirit and fight of a tiger. |
