There was an American story that Ziva had read once, where a man had been strapped to a table and tortured during the Spanish Inquisition, a razor-bladed pendulum slowly swinging across, descending lower and lower by just a minuscule amount with every swing. She couldn't remember the name of the story, but she remembered it had rats in it. And she felt as if it really could apply to this situation. Now, whether she was the pendulum and Diego was the man on the table, vice versa, or rather she was strapped to the table and the baby was the pendulum, or any combination of the three forces slowly beginning to cut into each other, she didn't know.
When she lay there, breathless, as she had been laughing along with Diego all throughout the tickling, she had begun to feel more like herself, and Diego had, again, felt just like her best friend. No 'if's, 'and's, or 'but's. No baby. No nausea, no fatigue. No graduation party. Just her and Diego, giggling and teasing each other and testing each other's limits and having fun. Until he had to ruin it.
Ziva tensed up as his lips covered hers, feeling fear course through her. After a couple seconds of merely sitting there, she pulled back, staring at Diego with eyes wide with terror. Why had he done that? Why would he tease her so? Was it pity? Did he somehow... Did he know?
Desperate, suddenly, for a sense of power in this otherwise powerless situation, Ziva scrambled away and stood up, trembling from head to toe. Her mouth was open in shock as she stared at Diego, trying to feel that stability and tranquility that she had felt just a minute or two ago. But the pendulum had swung, whatever that foreboding bladed thing was, and the man had been sliced in half. He hadn't been rescued. Not after a swing like that.
She felt rage, pure and unbridled and fueled by an unbearable amount of pain, wash over her, boiling her blood and making her skin crawl. She hunched over herself, arms crossed protectively over her stomach, and glared at Diego as fiercely as she could.
"So, you fancy yourself some sort of knight in white armor, then?" she hissed, her voice quivering. She was practically spitting venom as she continued. "Are you Don Quixote, fighting off those windmills, an invisible enemy, because you are the only one who knows how? Do you fancy yourself some sort of knight in shining armor?"
"Lekh tizdayen!" she cursed at him violently, shaking with anger. "I don't need your pity! I don't need your protection! Why should it concern you at all? I'm the one who ruined my own life by getting my own worthless self knocked up!"
Britters
Level 72
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Posted: 4/23/2019 at 3:11 AM
Post #452
In moments like this one, Diego could confirm that it really does feel like time slows down. His lips touched hers and for what felt like forever he was blissfully happy. Then Ziva tensed, she stood up, and for him it felt like everything was moving as though the air was thick as molasses. He turned his head and looked up at her with agonizing slowness, and the look of pure rage on her small, sweet face was enough to clear his muddled head.
The reality of his own stupidity crashed over Diego like a wave, and he felt like he was going to vomit. He couldn't understand what had come over him, why he had acted like such an idiot, but he had messed up. There wouldn't be any recovering this time, no repairing the damage, no sweeping it under the rug. He had crossed a line, and he couldn't even blame it on being drunk. That was it, there was absolutely no way he was ever going to get Ziva to forgive him now.
"Z, please...," he begged her as he got to his feet, every word she spat at him like a knife in his heart as he stared at her with naked desperation in his eyes, "I'm sorry, I don't what I was th...." And then there it was...
Those last two words spoken from Ziva's lips were the key to everything. It felt like Diego's entire body had been plunged into ice water, his heart felt like it was struggling to beat. While his body was dealing with the shock, his mind inexplicably turned to what Jaime has said to him on the soccer field that night they were abducted ("You just worried you might have knocked her up and you're trying to do the honorable thing?"). If possible he felt even dumber than he had a second ago for not having though of this possibility before. He had...well, he wasn't sure what he'd thought.
She's pregnant..., Diego thought to himself, and putting it into words was enough to get him to drag a ragged breath into his starving lungs. Ziva was pregnant, and she as scared, and she thought that the only thing she could expect from him as pity. It hurt, and it hurt on a level so deep that he felt a fool for ever thinking that she was just merely his best friend, but he understood her reasoning. He knew her background, knew her abandonment issues, and how else was would he have expected her to handle this situation?
A situation that Diego had put her in...
"Ziva...," he said, his voice soft and low, his stormy eyes pleading with her to let him in as he slowly took steps forward, his hands held out slightly almost like a surrender, "Ziva...I deserve every bit of that. This wasn't your fault, it was mine. I...I didn't protect you." His voice broke then, ever so slightly, but he kept just taking small steps, inching his way closer to her. "I'm so sorry, Z. I didn't meant for this to happen, and you have no reason to expect anything more from me after how I treated you in school...but, Z?" He was right in front of her now, looking down at her while she shook with fury, and he reached out to wrap his arms around her.
"I told you that night...I said that I was never going to leave you again, and I don't plan on failing this time."
Edited By Britters on 4/23/2019 at 3:12 AM.
Creativity
Level 72
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Threads: 255
Posts: 5,902
Posted: 4/23/2019 at 11:05 AM
Post #453
Ziva had known Diego for four years, and yet, sometimes, she struggled to process just how thick that skull of his was. She watched as the recognition of what she had said played over his face, and he looked akin to a dumbfounded child, like that of her foster siblings from the many homes she was in over the years whenever they would realize that Mommy wasn't coming back. Much like she had once been, probably. Her parents had never exactly been doting or affectionate, but the moment they left her there, gave her away without a care in the world... That had perhaps been the biggest blow she'd ever received.
"Why don't you just go?" she shouted as he approached her, tears clouding her eyes and quickly beginning to spill out. She was surprised she didn't choke on the thick, hot things. "I've been abandoned for less, you know!"
She hardly heard the words Diego was saying, but that look on his face, that look of regret and despair and... self-loathing... that was heartbreaking. Her heart was so painful in her chest, so loud. She did catch the part where he said the fault was his, and she scoffed at it, her lower lip trembling as she tried to blink away the torrent of tears. As he came closer, she remained perfectly still, besides all of the trembling. Her arms remained crossed over her stomach, her posture quite horrible.
Until Diego wrapped his arms around her. She had watched him approach, but somehow, she didn't connect that that was what he was aiming to do. However, when his arms enveloped her, and she heard what he said next... Well, the pendulum swung again. Ziva practically melted in Diego's embrace, the rage whooshing out of her as quickly as it had appeared. One of her hands reached tightly around his back and the other clutched the front of his shirt as if it were the only thing keeping her afloat as she sobbed against him, ignoring the pain that the tight embrace caused to her swollen breasts.
Diego wanted to support her. He was going to support her. A moment of elation coursed through her, before she came to another realization, and that brief moment of happiness was gone in a flash, leaving only the heartbreak and the regret.
"I can't let you do that..." she mumbled against him, and then pulled back a little so that she could look him in the eyes, trying to still her trembling lip. "I can't let you r-ruin your life for me, Diego... You deserve to... To build your life still. To find a girl that you l-love and marry her... To start your own family how you want to... I don't want you to feel obligated to me because of my own mistakes. I can't live like that, knowing you're miserable..."
Edited By Creativity on 4/23/2019 at 11:46 AM.
Britters
Level 72
The Eggstraordinaire
Joined: 8/25/2014
Threads: 167
Posts: 2,041
Posted: 4/23/2019 at 7:18 PM
Post #454
No one needed to tell Diego that he could be a bit dense sometimes...he knew. Being best friends with a braniac had its perks, and without Ziva's tutelage he would have had a much harder time passing high school. He felt like a fool to the twelfth degree for not having connected the dots sooner. An idiot he might be, but he remembered his mother being pregnant with his little sister and he'd seen enough movies. He still couldn't fathom why this scenario hadn't come to mind sooner, but perhaps he had been so focused on salvaging his friendship with Ziva he had been blind to all else.
When she relaxed into his embrace, Diego thought his knees might give out with relief. No longer hesitant, he wrapped his arms tightly around her, one hand in the small of her back, one hand lightly cradling her head. He felt her trembling against him, felt her tears wet his skin through his shirt and he closed his eyes. It couldn't be possible to be so happy and in such despair at the same time could it? He supposed it had to be so, because he as living proof. He wanted to shout with joy that he finally knew what had been keeping Ziva away from him, and he had a chance to fix things, but again the same though kept playing itself over and over in his head....
This is my fault...I did this to her...I should have protected her..., the cycle played on and one in Diego's mind until Ziva pulled away ever so slightly and began talking. He heard what she said, but at some point in the middle he felt the sudden urge to laugh. He was not so stupid as to let a single chuckle escape his lips, for he knew his Ziva well enough to know how she would take it, but he simply couldn't believe what a pickle they'd both put themselves in, and unnecessarily it would seem.
"Z, Z, Z..," he said, shaking his head softly as she finished her spiel, his grey eyes gazing tenderly down at her while he took his hand and gently cupped her cheek and chin so that he as looking her straight in the face, "My life couldn't possibly be ruined unless you didn't let me do this because...." He paused to take a breathe and steel his nerves. "Because I've already found the girl that I love...I only wished I deserved you more. You deserve better, but...but I'll do the best that I can."
Emotion weighed so heavily on his voice, on his heart, Diego couldn't contain it long enough for her to respond again before he bent down to kiss her again. One of these days she was probably going to smack him for this...
Creativity
Level 72
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Threads: 255
Posts: 5,902
Posted: 4/23/2019 at 11:23 PM
Post #455
The past few weeks, ever since she had discovered her pregnancy, Ziva had been one tightly-wound ball of anxiety, exploding every so often, unable to piece together two coherent thoughts without some sort of mental barrier or issue threatening another detonation of hormones, or vomit, which had become increasingly more common in the past few days.
She inhaled sharply when Diego took hold of her face, feeling a bizarre and tingling mixture of fear, adrenaline, rage, despair, and, well... She wasn't a sappy person, but by God, did she love this boy more than her heart could bear. She had had to accept, four years ago, when this silly little crush first developed, that someone like him - someone so handsome, athletic, charming, kind, selfless - could ever love someone as socially awkward, geeky, and insecure as she was. She wished she could say that the four year-old wound had stopped hurting.
His hand on her face was so gentle... How could someone so strong be so gentle? She heard his words, but his meaning was far from registered in her muddled, hormonally-unstable mind. She wanted the ground to open up beneath her and swallow her whole, so she wouldn't have to deal with the hormones, or the baby, or the crush, or the rejection, or Diego's regret. She didn't need his protection. She could cause her own disasters.
When he kissed her, the second unexpected time that day, she had been so dumbfounded by it that all she could do was keep her feet on the ground. With his mouth covering hers again, she finally registered what he had said, and it just made more tears fall out of her dark eyes, even as she tried clumsily to kiss him back. It wasn't long, or deep, and she pulled back after a few seconds of it, tilting her head down so it was leaning against his chest and trying to control the speed of her heart and trying so desperately to remember to breathe.
Parts of her didn't believe it. Couldn't believe it. Not after all of these years... Not someone like her... And someone like him... He couldn't... She had known him to date other girls, every now and then. She had seen how happy he would be, how proud, when he'd have a frilly little cheerleader on his arm, her makeup so perfect and her hair done up, her skirt alone costing twice as much as Ziva's entire wardrobe. How could she compare? She didn't have the money, or the social power, or the beauty. She was, in comparison, quite pathetic.
"Diego, I swear to my God and pray He'll listen..." she mumbled against his chest, closing her eyes. "If this is another one of your stupid pranks... You deserve the type of girl who... who's cheerful, and wealthy. You deserve a girl who's social. And... And pretty. I-I can't be those things... I'm the one you had to hide from your friends, hide from the world. I'm the one you're ashamed of."
She tensed up and moved backwards, out of his arms completely. She kept her back turned to him, not wanting him to see the pain on her face. "It's not funny this time, Diego. You can joke all you want, but it's not funny..." Sniffling, she wiped furiously at her eyes, arms crossed back over her stomach.
Britters
Level 72
The Eggstraordinaire
Joined: 8/25/2014
Threads: 167
Posts: 2,041
Posted: 4/24/2019 at 12:01 AM
Post #456
Perfection...bliss...heaven. If someone were to ask Diego to describe this moment, those would be the words that would come to mind. He knew, in the far back reaches of his brain, kissing Ziva again without warning was probably not the best idea, but he also knew he couldn't help it. When she timidly kissed him back his body was flooded with ecstasy, but he held back, not wanting to spook her but to just enjoy the moment.
Whatever had happened between them at the graduation...this was different.
But of course she doesn't believe me...why would she? the sobering thought and the fact that Ziva pulled away from their kiss that brought Diego back to the here and now.
There was no way he could possibly blame Ziva for how she felt, for the things she was saying but Diego still felt the sting of her words like fresh cuts across his heart. He let his hands fall to his sides as he clenched his fists and his jaw, self-hatred trying to overwhelm his system,
but he beat it back. There was no time for this, Ziva needed him...and, he realized, so did the baby. His baby. Their baby. With that thought dominating his mind a smile actually spread across his face, not that Ziva could see it because she had her back to him.
"You're right," he said to her, his voice serious but with the shadow of a grin still on his lips as he reached out and laid his hand on her shoulder, "It isn't funny, and I can't believe I could have ever let myself make you think I was ashamed of you." He turned her around so she faced him again. "Ziva I never wanted those things. I was never really happy with any of those girls. I'm sorry it took me this long to realize it's because what I really wanted was you." He sighed and hung his head.
What could he possibly say or do that would make up for everything? Nothing, that was what. He looked at her, his grey eyes sad as he reached up to put his hand on her cheek again, rubbing his thumb across her skin.
"I don't expect you to forgive me," he said, knowing that he would keep to his word as he told her, "But I promise not to fail you ever again, to make you feel beautiful...I just need you to give me a second chance."
Creativity
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Threads: 255
Posts: 5,902
Posted: 4/24/2019 at 12:38 AM
Post #457
Why couldn't Diego understand? Why couldn't he get anything through that thick, beautiful skull of his? He kept apologizing, over and over, in more complex and elaborated ways. He just kept on apologizing, as if he had done something terribly wrong, something he didn't think she'd ever forgive him for. Why couldn't he understand that she wasn't looking for an apology? She didn't blame him. It was all her own fault; he was a teenage boy without any real devotion to a God. She... She was supposed to be more than her emotions. Her soul was supposed to be stronger than its mortal shell. That's why she prayed to her God. To Yahweh. And it was the prayers that then strengthened her soul.
Even on the island, she hadn't stopped praying, every Sunday, every beginning of Shabbat. She had found a collection of candles, made public for use to the compounders. She still lit some, every Friday night, as the sun would go down, to commemorate her God's hard work. She still followed Him, whichever way He would take her, and begged him, every night, to take her back, to bless her scarred soul and give her a chance at redemption.
Diego hadn't done anything wrong. He had just tried to get her to loosen up, to have fun. What was wrong with that? The escalation had all been her doing. Somehow, she had been cursed by her God to remember that part and that part early from that hazy, drunk night. Only that she had started it. Diego was not at fault.
Subconsciously, one of her hands had reached up and fiddled with her necklace - the Star of David, one of the only things her parents ever gave her - but she had to drop it when Diego turned her around. She looked at him pleadingly, begging him to understand as she felt a fire burn in her chest again, flaring up at that wounded look in his eyes.
"I'm not the one giving chances, Diego!" she stressed, her hands tightening their grips on the opposite arms. In spite of her sudden anger again, she tilted her face towards his hand and closed her eyes for a moment before meeting his gaze. When she spoke up again, her voice was softer, more defeated. "I have no control, don't you see? I haven't have any control for weeks. I don't hate you. Whatever it is you think I'm angry at you about, I'm not. I'm not even angry at you! I'm just... I'm just angry. And confused. And scared, and depressed. All of my strings. Every one of them is being controlled by this parasite."
It had been almost a week since she had used that word, verbally or nonverbally. She had been doing good. Ever since that day with the doppler, ever since she had heard that soft little heartbeat, fast and furious and ready for life, she had tried to feel more warmth. In a way, she had, but deep down, with no connection, with no way to appreciate the thing, knowing only the pain and hormones and definite feeling that her life was ending... She could not love something that was ruining her life.
Britters
Level 72
The Eggstraordinaire
Joined: 8/25/2014
Threads: 167
Posts: 2,041
Posted: 4/24/2019 at 5:18 PM
Post #458
Religion was the only thing the two of them had ever disagreed on, but it had never really bothered Diego. He knew how devout Ziva was, and he treated her beliefs with respect, but his while his family were technically Catholics, they had never been very serious about it when he was growing up. There wasn't anything he didn't particularly like about religion, or specifically Ziva's religion, but he had just never felt the drive to worship anything in his short lifetime.
Well, except perhaps a soccer ball...and his friendship...
The moment Diego heard the last word leave Ziva's mouth, he felt a crushing weight settle upon his chest, and there was a pain in his stomach as though he'd been punched. He wanted to protest, he wanted to immediately tell her that she was wrong, but...he did understand. It may not be on the same level as Ziva, but that didn't mean he didn't get it. This whole situation was a mess from start to finish. They had slept together, Ziva was now pregnant which would be enough of an issue in its own, but they were also trapped here on this island.
For the first time in his whole life, Diego suddenly felt like he had a real purpose in his life, one that didn't include meaninglessly kicking a ball across a field.
"Hey, hey," he said soothingly as he approached Ziva again, his hands outstretched, "It's going to be okay. You don't have to bear this burden by yourself, Z. We can figure this out. I'm here and I'm not going anyway. Just tell me what you want me to do." He laid his hands on her shoulders and looked into her dark eyes, his expression nothing but love and understanding.
But they were going to have a talk eventually about the "p" word...
Creativity
Level 72
Cutely Creative
Joined: 3/4/2013
Threads: 255
Posts: 5,902
Posted: 4/25/2019 at 7:35 PM
Post #459
Ziva had somewhat regretted using the word 'parasite' out loud. Whenever she had said it before, it was in the security of her own mind, no one around to judge or criticize her. People just didn't understand it. No one understood it. She had expressed her unhappiness about her baby around Flora, but never had she used that word around her. Even with Flora, Ziva could tell that she was a tad bit uneasy every time she spoke negatively about the growing baby in her womb. But the irritation wouldn't go away.
She was ready for Diego to rebuke her. She was ready for him to reprimand her for using such a harsh word for something so small and pure, she was so ready for him to fight her with the same words she's been using to fight herself ever since she discovered the doppler - even though, in four years of friendship with Diego, he had never done any such thing.
But she was ready. While he reacted, hurt, she tensed up, preparing a speech in her mind about every little thing the baby did to her. The fact that she couldn't eat at all yesterday because the nausea had been so intense. The fact that when she wasn't nauseous, she usually felt bloated. The soreness of her breasts. The near-constant fatigue. She didn't know if she agreed with what she said; she didn't know if she disagreed with what she said. But she was more than ready to argue her case either way.
It was supremely surprising, then, when Diego didn't say anything at all about the word she had used. As he reached out to her, she felt her energy fade, her arms and shoulders droop. She felt that perpetual, undying anger, slowly begin to die.
"I don't know... I don't know what I want you to do..." she murmured to him softly. Her eyes had stopped shedding tears, and her hands longed to reach out to him as his hands fell on her shoulders. She swallowed hard and daringly took a small step forward. "I just want... you."
Britters
Level 72
The Eggstraordinaire
Joined: 8/25/2014
Threads: 167
Posts: 2,041
Posted: 4/26/2019 at 12:05 AM
Post #460
Exhaustion was for regular people, not for hackers like Cyber. As long as there was a screen in front of her and a task that needed doing, she could go on forever. Of course, energy drinks helped, and she was on her fifth. She had had a brilliant idea on how to reach more people with abilities that was safer both for them as well as the recruiters at the Resistance. Sure, her hands were starting to tremble a little bit, but she was so close to being able to test the program...
Hours continued slipping by, minutes streamed past Cyber like a river, but she noticed none of it.
"This will work," she muttered aloud to herself, taking another long pull from her energy drink can before setting it back down on her desk, "Just gotta keep goin'..." She cracked her knuckles and went back to furiously typing at her keyboard.
It wasn't necessary for Cyber to actually use the keyboard, since all she had to do to use her gift was to have her hand on the computer. However, the movement of her fingers helped her to concentrate, which was just as well because she had found that if she sat in public somewhere with her laptop out and just staring off into space...well, it made people uneasy. She was all by herself in her bedroom tonight though, besides Reggie, of course. Her simian familiar was curled up one the side of her desk not dominated by her computer.
Just a little bit longer...so close to being done. There was no doubt Cyber was starting to crash a little bit, but she just had to keep going. When she felt a light brush of fur on her arm, she was so zoned out that it shocked here into shouting rather indignantly.
"What in the name 'a cyberspace?!" she growled in frustration, glancing over at the bright orange monkey which was staring at her innocently from right next to her keyboard, "Reg, I told ya. I gotta get this done. I'm already behind on the project because I been helpin' Spirit wif Digit." The little goat required quite a lot of attention, but she was still happy to do it for Spirit. It helped that the little bugger was one of the cutest things ever...
-----
The sun was really starting to beat down on them, and Echo reached up to wipe some sweat off of her brow with the back of a dark tan colored hand. This job was meant to be down in the morning hours, because by the time afternoon rolled around it was more often than not too hot to continue working. Their small conversation had lagged them behind a bite but not by much, and she was feeling quite pleased with herself for actually having some sort of social interaction.
Upon hearing Identify's voice, Echo frowned slightly, but in all honesty the rasp had a small amount of charm to it. She had supposed he didn't talk very often, but that sounded like it was rather more extreme than she'd first imagined. Still, she found his interest in her and what she was saying to be incredibly pleasing. It seemed like such a long time since she'd been able to feel like she wasn't boring people to death.
"Its a plan then," she said to him amiably, reaching down to pick up her trash bag that she had set down, "Lets go ahead and get finished up here." She gave him a soft, unpracticed smile, which felt strange since she didn't spend much of her time smiling, even before coming to the island.
Even as a geochemist, Echo's job was not confined to a lab. She was no stranger to physical work, and even with the rays of the sun roasting her back, she kept on working without complaint as she usually did. The difference now, today, was that she felt more aware of her chore partner. She kept glancing over at him as she picked up the rest of the trash in her section, watching him and feeling curious about him in a way she hadn't been about anything in a very long time.
"Thats the last of mine," she called out, straightening up with a wince as she pressed a hand into the small of her back, a poignant reminder that she wasn't getting any younger, "This sun is really scorching today. Wish there was a decent place to cool off outside around here." She looked over at Identify, who was also finishing up, wondering how he was holding up in the heat.
Edited By Britters on 4/26/2019 at 1:27 AM.
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