TW: Mentions of stress/anxiety and racial slurs (no, I'm not the one using them)
I don't really care if nobody responds to this, but I need to vent and I have nobody to vent to - it's not really a vent aaa but I don't even know what this is at all. I just...idk? I don't know what this is. I feel like there's a snake coiled up inside of me and it's either just lying there, tense and coiled, or it's hissing, raising it's head, ready to strike.
And the reason why I'm feeling so strange is just so, so stupid. I do know that there are people out there who probably have it way worse than me, but I just get ticked off/sad/upset over the littlest things. It's just how I am, I guess? I'm honestly not sure why? But that snake (or maybe is it an octopus?) is not very happy. At all.
Before I get into all that, I have to say - Stray Kids is my lifeline. Not everyone will understand, but when I'm sad, listening to their music makes me feel better. It's so...relateable, I guess, and when I relisten to those short clips/compilations of Chan (leader) telling Stay (fandom) that we're beautiful, amazing, etc., it makes me happy. They can make me so happy by doing literally nothing. And it's so complicated, but I hope that's enough to make whoever reads this understands.
So if whoever's reading this (I'll call you..."you".) does understand, you'll understand my shock when Han Jisung, ace and superb rapper/singer of Stray Kids, was "accused" of rapping to a song he had written, with VERY questionable lyrics. A clip had resurfaced of him rapping, at age 13, to a song he had written - I won't give the lyrics (because of Sylestia's policy stuff) but you can search it up. In Hans lyrics from when he was a teenager, he was heard using slurs that are derogatory towards people with mental disabilities and also racial slurs that are offensive to people with darker skin tones.
In the sound clip going around on Twitter, his rap lyrics can be heard as, Are you a kkamdoongie foreign labourer, you motherf*cking pig bird. He also mentions in his lyrics, mental hospital and mental patient in a few lines as a diss. A few lines later, he also allegedly utters the n-slur.
The term kkamdoongie is an offensive slang, often used to degrade people with darker skin. Its been compared to the n-slur in the English language. Southeast Asians are also commonly called foreign labourers in racist commentary, given the history and cliche of Southeast Asians travelling to South Korea for manual jobs.
He posted a long handwritten apology, and I was, well, proud - he did what he could. Time to wait for the responses. I started getting super worried. What if he gets hate? He already has social anxiety - what if bad things happen? Idols have - and still can - commit suicide. They can do self-harm. They're human - no more, no less. It scares me, thinking of what could happen to him, his reputation. Chan STILL gets immense hate for things that happened in April 2019. What could happen to Han?
I don't know what to do with this. With myself. And finals are coming up, I've got siblings and dogs to care for, there's just so much going on that I don't even get time to STAY anymore. I don't know how to de-stress or lower all this anxiety or make that snaketopus go away. I don't know what to do.
Thanks for listening to my TedTalk <3 |
