I has a story for English class, and I wanted to present my draft to all. I'd love CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM (do NOT be mean), helpful, comments, or just compliments. Remember, it's just a draft right now!!

Guidlines: (Yes, we had guidelines)
The holiday was coming soon.
Store was crowded and big.
Manager was busy.
Robber entered quietly, looked unusual.
Robber pulled out weapon.
People panicked.
Nobody needed any medical attention.
NO DEAD PEOPLE!!
Robber became nervous, was unsuccessful.

It's supposed to be three pages, but mine is like six pages long.

I'll post it in the next post because it's so long.

Ping me for clarification or comments or if you have questions :)

Enjoy!!

Robbery Attempt
Yiniri looked out of place in this crowd. The crowd, all dressed in festive colors of orange, pale yellow, and green all moved towards the entrance of the huge Costco. In contrast to the bright colors of the celebrators, the Costco was a huge white box. It was almost too late for Yiniri to get what she needed. The day after the summer equinox, all of the decorations would burned in order to save valuable landfill space. There, there was a family with kids her age. Though they too were dressed in festival colors, Yiniri would blend in. She always did, invisible as the beggars on the corners of each street. She was a shadow, a beggar, a part of that family she had seen now, moving with them toward the entrance. As she molded herself into a happy, rich family, she heard the girl in the family saying Please, please PLEASE let me go talk to Manare! You KNOW shes my best friend! The mother, who was for some reason wearing a party hat that said 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALONDRA' replied, Oh, fine. Just remember to stay with her. Hihi, the daughter, skipped off with a huge, fake-looking smile, and Alondra presented her Costco card to a bored-looking employee while watching Hihi talk animatedly to a very sad looking Manare. Yiniri broke off from her 'family' and headed where she needed to go, straight to the decorations department. Even if she could filch just a few of these items, she'd have a Summer Equinox party fit for a king. As Yiniri passed through the department entrance, she reveled in the colors. Orange, yellow, blue, grey, brown, all on decorations festooning every. single. inch. of the room she entered, only diminished by the bored looking employees. As was her custom, Yiniri began to walk around the room, pretending that she too had money, just like the people buying the extraordinary decorations, while actually surveying the room for things that she could easily slip into her reliable messenger bag. She looked at the edges of the room, where those bored-looking employees sat in their chair. One employee, whose name tag announced that his name was Ejit Tida, looked somehow... off. His eyes, though partially hidden by his dyed-black hair, were completely glazed over. Yiniri had seen this with those beggars. Sometimes, though, they were surrounded by syringes, which led Yiniri to think that this Ejit was high on drugs. An easy target, then. She slipped a beautiful wreath into her bag. To the left of Ejit was a young man (Carson Wildbrace, going by his name tag) with chestnut brown hair on his phone. Wait, wasn't that an iPhone 10? The one with revolutionary holographic technology? Oh, Yiniri would do almost anything for something as expensive as that. Again, Yiniri slipped an elegant tablecloth into her bag. Anyways, his posture indicated that he was used to looking at his phone, but he wouldn't be here if he didnt do anything. So not a good target. Yiniri steathily slid a couple of flower crowns into her bag. As Yiniri walked through the different sections, she spotted another employee talking to a person who looked almost exactly like Ejit Tida. By the employee's name tag, his name was Prudien Heriar. As Yiniri drew closer, she saw that Prudien was trying (while being very bossy) to get this Ejit lookalike to stop handing out flyers that said "Jet Tida: The Kolest Man Aive. Learned 2 be like himself! Wak da wak, tak da talk, be just leik him!!!!" Yiniri watched them argue while casually putting a couple of fox masks into her messenger bag, which was beginning to bulge. She turned around to see someone who looked like the manager approaching. The first whispers of nervousness began to whisper to her, to tell her that she would fail, that she would be arrested. Yiniri turned back around and began to walk towards the entrance. There, she could see the haze of the real world. She was almost there when she heard a cry of "Thief! Security, she's over here!" Yiniri whipped around to see the little girl, Hihi, and her mother, Alondra, pointing at her and yelling for security. Yiniri knew exactly what to do. She had made this plan when she entered this beautiful room. She sprinted straight for Ejit and grabbed him, swiveling around to face the crowd with a stage knife to his neck. The crowd around her erupted into screams, with some fleeing, and others attempting to calm the crowd. From where she was, Yiniri could see Jet Tida and Prudien Heriar sprinting for their lives while screaming at the top of their lungs, while the manager, Gaives, pushed his way to the front of the crowd and yelled "Let's all calm down here!" Though Gaives made a formidable effort to yell over the crowd, there was a couple that he could not yell over. The husband, who was wearing a shirt that said Collin on it was yelling "Stop! You're scaring the baby!" The wife, who was wearing a shirt that announced her name as Claire, was holding her belly protectively, looked close to tears, though she was glaring at Yiniri. At the entrance to the room, she could see security guards dressed in black and wearing Kevlar vests beginning to approach her. Yiniri hissed at Ejit, "Your key card. Now." Ejit handed her his key card, and promptly fainted. The security guards were coming closer and closer, just like the tendrils of nervousness that they brought. Closer. And. Closer. Now they were at the edges of the crowd, who were beginning to part for them. Yiniri dropped her fake knife and Ejit and ran. As she sprinted through the aisles, alarms blaring, she pushed over as many things as possible. Rice, waffles, shampoo, anything she could get her hands on. There, there was the roof entrance. She swiped Ejit's key card and stepped into the stairwell. She would have to tread lightly; these stairs were rickety. Yiniri could hear the rythmic thump of the soldiers. Sprinting up the stairs, Yiniri was tiring quickly. She might not make it. There it was, the door was so close! She put on an extra burst of energy, and quickly made it through the door. Before closing the door, though, Yiniri took a rusty pipe she had found and hit the places where the stairwell was attached to the wall. Before long, the stairwell came off, and she heard distant screams. No. She would not dwell on that. Not now, not ever. She ran onto the roof, making sure to close the door behind her and break the key card reader. She looked around, surveying the area. What was that in the distance? Was that the girl she had seen earlier? Manare? Yiniri drew closer, hiding behind chimneys and vents. It was Manare. What was she doing here? Yiniri crept closer and asked, "Why are you here?" Startled, Manare jumped, and pulled out a paper that had written on it, "Do you know sign language?" Yiniri signed back, "Yes, I do." Manare, who was unaware that Yiniri knew who Manare was, signed, "My name is Manare Lightspark. Who are you?" Yiniri replied, "I'm Yiniri Goldwatch. Why are you here?" With some hesitation, Manare replied, "It's a long story. Would you like to hear it? Nobody cared when I asked them if they wanted to listen." Yiniri replied, "Of course I want to listen! I do care, even though I am a stranger to you." Yiniri pulled up two crates, patted one, and plopped down on the other. Still standing at the edge of the roof, Manare began. "I moved here two months ago. I live in a nice neighborhood, with nice people, go to a nice school, but she still follows me. Her name is Hihi. Hihi Fatger. She torments me at school under the guise of being my best friend. She's an amazing actress, you know. Still, she tells, no, she orders me to do her homework. To do her chores when her mother isn't home. She tells me that I am worth nothing. That I am stupid. That my friends all hate and pity me. She tells me that I am too poor to be cool. That I should kill myself. I know that I should stand up, I shouldn't bow to her, that I shouldn't show weakness, but at the same time, I wonder: Am I worthless? Is my life valuable? Am I really stupid? I know I am clumsy, that I am not beautiful, that I'm not a straight-A student, but still, I would do anything to make it stop. She follows me everywhere to tell me that I am not worth anything, but when a friend passes, or a teacher, or a stranger, she begins to compliment me, telling me that my outfit looks good today, or that I did so well on that test. As soon as they pass, she tells me that I look horrible. That I am fat. That 93% grade on my test is so, so, horrible. My mother can't know this. She works so hard to let me be happy, and I can't break her bubble. Today, Hihi asked if I was rich enough to even enter this Costco. She asked me if my thrift-shop dress was enough for such a big holiday. I am done. I am done with her telling me what I am, who I should be. That's why I'm here. So I leave you with this, Yiniri Goldwatch, am I worth nothing? Should I jump? Will Hihi ever stop?" Yiniri was frozen, tears brimming in her eyes. For a minute, she sat and thought, the alarms still blaring and police sirens wailing. Finally, Yiniri signed, "You are worth everything. No amount of money, or gold, or diamonds will ever be worth as much as you. That 93%? Numbers cannot quantify how smart you are. Your outfit? That is your unique style, even if it is from a thrift shop. You are clumsy? That's fine, because nobody is perfect. Hihi tells you that you're fat? Let her think that. You are beautiful in every way, even if nobody else thinks that. You are worth everything in the world. Nothing is worth a life. If you jump, you wont finish all of your homework. You won't be able to take care of your mother. Her bubble would be broken forever. If you jump, you won't have a chance to make a difference in the world. Think of the little things. Puppies, flowers, corny jokes, cats, colors, books, art. You don't have to be rich, or thin, or famous, or smart to be worth it. You are worth it." Manare stood at the edge, then took a step in. Then another. Then another. Yiniri took Manare's hand and began to lead her to an escape ladder when she heard the distinct thump, thump of police boots. Yiniri knew that by throwing her messenger bag into the parking lot, she would cause confusion. Releasing Manare's hand, Yiniri took her stolen goods and threw them into an alley behind the Costco. Then, she took her messenger bag and stuffed it into her overlarge pocket, and jogged back to Manare. Yiniri then explained why she wanted Manare to climb down, and told Manare about her robbery attempt. Yiniri ended her brief and nervous (the police were setting up ladders to get to the roof) with "I never attempted to rob a Costco! What robbery? I'm just here on the roof for no apparent reason!" With a tentative grin, Manare replied, "Of course! I dont even know what a robbery is!" They climbed down the ladder, reaching the ground just when they heard shouts from the police. Yiniri and Manare hurried to the sidewalk, and walked away, chatting about breeds of dogs they liked.
End

I dont think that people normally bump things like this, but I really really want people to see it and give me advice/comments/other stuff

One thing I think you should do when writing is try to space out your paragraphs, looking at this huge block of text at first was kindove daunting ^^;
<sub>(this said for those of us out there who are easily discouraged from reading something for the sole fact that it looks difficult)

What I say past this point isn't me trying to be rude but what I personally wish people would say whenever my creative writing class gives criticism rather than all compliments</sub>
In the first sentence you decide to start off with a sentence that puts us immediately into the stories setting which is a good thing usually when your given the task of writing a short story
"in this crowd" I think might sound better as "in the crowd" (it's your choice to make the switch or not)

I like the contrasting imagery you use with the colorful crowds and the blank white store itself :)
"In contrast to the bright colors of the celebrators" this sentence sortove feels forced though, maybe change the wording of it?(I'm mostly stressing about the word celebrators it looks odd there)

"Yiniri looked out of place in this crowd. The crowd, all dressed in festive colors of orange, pale yellow, and green all moved towards the entrance of the huge Costco. In contrast to the bright colors of the celebrators, the Costco was a huge white box. It was almost too late for Yiniri to get what she needed."
Going back to what I first said about paragraphs, I think after this segment you can make a space here and start off the next part into "The day after the summer equinox,-"

Example
"Yiniri looked out of place in this crowd. The crowd, all dressed in festive colors of orange, pale yellow, and green all moved towards the entrance of the huge Costco. In contrast to the bright colors of the celebrators, the Costco was a huge white box. It was almost too late for Yiniri to get what she needed."
"The day after the summer equinox,-"


"all of the decorations would burned in order to save valuable landfill space."
_{(oh lord is this bad for the environment)}
in this sentence, burned should be replaced with "be burned"

"she heard the girl in the family saying Please, please PLEASE let me go talk to Manare! You KNOW shes my best friend!"
When a character starts talking, you should put "-" around their speech
"she heard the girl in the family saying "Please, please PLEASE let me go talk to Manare! You KNOW shes my best friend!""
(I finished reading this and noticed sometimes you added them and sometimes you didn't, just be careful of that)

"Before closing the door, though, Yiniri took a rusty pipe she had found"
Try not to rush small facts like this, you now let us know she's found a pipe but maybe add a few extra sentences in here to go a bit more into detail of that find

"It's a long story. Would you like to hear it? Nobody cared when I asked them if they wanted to listen." Yiniri replied, "Of course I want to listen! I do care, even though I am a stranger to you." Yiniri pulled up two crates, patted one, and plopped down on the other. Still standing at the edge of the roof, Manare began."
With this part you introduce the main idea of what's the true problem in the story for the characters to deal with, the moral crisis and while I really really like your story I think our character Yiniri might not have had as much time to pay attention to this girl she's just met on the roof while being chased by the police after brandishing a weapon which will get her in more trouble than just a robbery, I think(if you have enough time or even want to) you could extend your story into something longer :) with more chapters and you could honestly easily continue writing this, your ending was kindove rushed for the moral dilemma you gave it
(what I'm saying is that I think you could edit and clean up this story a bit and continue writing this story and make this part but a chapter in something bigger)

All in all it was a nice little read, but I think if you like it too you can extend it into more chapters :) And be a bit careful of your grammar
The imagery is great, I enjoyed it and I liked your character and the story plot was good enough to finish reading :)

THanks so much for your input! I didn't really pay attention to grammar and that stuff as I'm gonna edit it in school today, but I will be sure to keep your feedback in mind. Thanks again!

No problem, I hope it helps ^^;

Yeah, I'm planning to make it shorter as it needs to be three pages long.

I edited! Now I REALLY need help shortening it (to three pages). I also named it Lightwatch.

Hey! I don't know if you've had to turn this in yet but thought I might chime in some :)

I loved the story line and the characters. It's always a bit brutal writing honest feelings and emotions, and in my opinion, is one of the most amazing things about stories and writing. That being said, the ones you focused on are beautiful in exactly this kind of brutal way.

Everyone has their own style of writing. Most of what I'm going to say are simply suggestions on embellishing some styles of your current writing while downplaying some of the others. These are suggestions though and you're the only one who can decide if they fit how you like to write!



Your descriptions are very well detailed. For example:

"Hihi, the daughter, skipped off with a huge, fake-looking smile, and Alondra presented her Costco card to a bored-looking employee while Hihi talked animatedly to a very sad looking girl. Yirini broke off from her "family" and headed straight to the decorations department."

However, there's a lot of information here that we, the readers, may not need to know or don't need to know yet. The fact that you have made names for so many of the side characters shows that you have put some thought into who they are even if they only appear for a few seconds. That's good! It helps you to write with more depth. As a reader though, all that background is overwhelming.

Also, you have to decide when you want to give us what parts of a characters details. Should we immediately know that the friendship between Hihi and Manare is really no friendship at all or do you want that to slowly develop as the story goes along?

Possible variant:

"Her exhausted mother shoved her Costco card to an equally tired employee. Hihi skipped off, a smile plastered on her bored face. Using the movement, Yirini broke off from her 'family', heading straight for the decorations department, leaving Hihi chatting to a grey-faced girl.

Main point: Being selective about which details you give the reader can make the story easier to follow and flow smoothly.

I hope that was a little helpful and best of luck with your assignment!