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Can you accept this train wreck?
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I was born feminine and grew up being treated like a princess.

i have been bullied all threw my school life and thought it was "OK"

when i got to high school my cousin my spread lies about me and my best friend abused me.

i moved schools and my best friend feels like more of a mother than my real mother.

I want people to see me as a man instead of a woman but nobody approves.

my arms are scared and burned.

i starve myself because people still call me fat.

i like men and women but all my relationships have been abusive.

but i still smile and say "Im OK" whenever someone asks me how are you

i broke my arm and hid it from everyone till i had to go to school and couldn't right properly.

My Autism prevents me from swimming because it makes me afraid.

My mind prevents me from going outside because of those from my past.

I only smile so i don't half to explain why i am sad.

If i could re-wind time and keep all my experiences in a jar i would.

If i could paint a picture and feel proud of it i would.

I know how to trick the psychologist to take no medication.

I hide behind a wall that no one can tear down.

i built my walls so high that i can never see the sun.

if i could feel proud of the art that i have done i would feel more hole.

i feel like a torn up piece of paper missing so much of myself.

i wish i could fix me but i don't want to ask for help.

i don't ask for help i want to do things on my own.

Because those who have helped me before dug me a deeper hole.

I smile when i am sad

I laugh when i want to cry

I hide when someone tries to get closer.

I make people hate me when they start to see my true colours.

Sylestia is a pretty accepting community. I'm fine with it long as it doesn't get too crazy......


(Also next time maybe put trigger warning in the title of the thread, cuz some people get squermish :P)

So I can reaaaaaally relate, might be a bit long winded though.

While I do have PTSD, I don't need a TW myself (because I find them condescending generally when people misuse them) even though this type of stuff can generally trigger me to talk about, but I'll leave one here for whoever needs it for my post.

TW: Descriptions of child abuse, homophobia, and medical abuse

I'm not trans myself but I do see and am regularly seen by others as a very masculine woman or gender ambigious person. Growing up I had a lot of strife with my parents over my personality and mannerisms (something I still get strife over, honestly), since they are very old school.

My adoptive mother invested a lot of time into trying to change who I was as a person, scolding me for not being ladylike, forcing me into more gender conforming activities, and abusing me verbally after suspecting I was a lesbian (before I even knew I was bi because I was not allowed to have friends or leave the house at all other than school growing up because my parents were afraid of me being sexually active or getting into trouble.)

When I was 12, my adoptive mother, during what I suspect now to be a manic episode, lied about me being suicidal to an ER doctor because I was depressed about having been bullied at school for being terrified to talk to people and there was a rumor being spread in middle that I was a prostitute and had AIDS. I was scared to talk to anyone about it because I was so ashamed of the things people said to me, believing it was my fault.
I had also been getting into regular fights with my adoptive mother who verbally abused me on a regular basis, calling me fat and dirty and threatening to leave me in an orphanage and hitting me across the face or with a belt for being disrespectful when I tried to stand up against her.
So I was institutionalized by her and left in a mental ward for 3 months before I was released by the state. When I had gotten a chance to actually call home during my stay, my adoptive mother laughed at me when I asked when I was allowed to come home and told me I belonged there. I don't think I ate much most of the time I was there because I was so scared.

I was medicated for years incorrectly due to a misdiagnosis for a disorder I did not have, based solely off my birth mother's schizophrenia and my adoptive mother's exeggerations of my depressive and anxious behavior. It's only taken me until the last year or so to get correctly diagnosed and treated.

I was thrown out of the house when I was 19 because I couldn't find a job out of high school and my parents didn't want me going to college. My adoptive mother had also gotten increasingly erratic with her moods and had gotten extremely verbal abusive towards me for not knowing how to do basic things I had never been taught, like drive or clean.
She regularly berated me for eating anything to the point I was forced to hide to eat meals, along with my adoptive father who encouraged her. She also constantly assumed I was pregnant despite me never even leaving the neighborhood block.

My parents still regularly harass and emotionally abuse me online and through email. I've taken a lot of precautions to try to be safe and avoid their behavior, but I find it really leaves me isolated a lot of the time since I can't have any good relationships with my family.

It's taken me until the last couple years to actually come into myself and feel confident enough to even interact with other people, even online. I was in a string of abusive relationships for a while too because I never knew how to look for good people and the people I attracted would take advantage of that.
I still find I have a lot of walls up with people and an ever-present fear of being unacceptable and a burden to them. It's so hard for me to trust people still.
In the past I've even felt like I would drive everyone in my life away just trying to be who I am and still catch myself trying to filter myself lest I be "too much" for someone.

But overall I just want to say, I accept you for you, despite all the other crap people in your life want to give you. You have one life and it's on you to live it how you want, because at the end of the day, the only person's happiness that really matters is your own. And remember, smiling all the time's overrated. Just smile when you want to, comes a lot easier. :)

If you ever need to talk about anything, my inbox is always open, man.

i can relate a lot to this, and I usually talk to people like a 'happy' and 'cheerful' person, but that really isn't me.

I will talk about topics like abuse, homophobia and mental illnesses here, and possibly other serious topics.
So, you know, don't read if you are squirmish.

So, if you don't mind I might just use a bit of your technique to tell my story...

I am a female, born into a family with a used-to-be nice father and a short-tempered, but loving mother.

I have two siblings, one that treats me like dirt and the other treats me like trash.

I was mentally scarred at 6, after my older sibling showed me fnaf (I know I shouldn't be a wuss but I was 6) and I couldn't get much sleep after that.

My dad got mad at me for staying up later and bringing my mother into my bed, and she was annoyed because it was uncomfortable.

Then my dad bought me an alarm clock that could play the radio, just like his.

I listened to it, but a few weeks after, it started to play the saddest music when I went to sleep, and I went to sleep crying.

My dad shouted at me after I stopped using it and after I complained, "I didn't like the music"

When I was 8, I kept looking in the mirror, and I thought something, somebody was laughing at me, calling me ugly.

Later that year I tried to figure out why I was ugly and thought I looked a bit chubby (I'll have you know I was the skinniest child in my family).

When I started school it seemed to be better, until I got what I'm pretty sure was my first toxic friend. I'm not entirely sure still but I'm still friends with her because she seems ok.

She wouldn't listen to me. I felt like if I said anything nobody would care and ignore me. She would boss me and my other friends around, and she wouldn't stop trying to fight with everyone.

When her best friend left she said that, "she must've been the problem" and, "I will be better this year."

I was in year six, when I felt like I realised something, but it wouldn't come into mind. Everything clicked except what it was. Me being ugly, stopping being interested in activities I liked and I wanted to isolate myself, it was connected, but I didn't know how.

Near the end of Year 6 I realised what it was. I will say it now because well, what do I have to lose? Depression. Yikes, even that hurt to write.

I'm in highschool, new friends means nicer friends, right? Wrong. I like my friends. They can be a little rude though. But I pretty sure they aren't helping me get any better, just worse.

During year 7 I found out what was troubling me when I was younger, I looked to much like a boy. I thought that was a bad thing at first because I'm a girl I should look like a girl but I didn't and I don't.

My friends are supportive enough to say that looking like a boy is ok, and introducing me to LGBTQ+. One of my friends is gay and another is bisexual. Two other are queer and I was too.

One day my friend told me that he was being bullied because he liked BTS and that he was gay. He was in a different class then the rest of my friends so we could do anything but get annoyed at them.

I've learnt during that year that I am not capable of taking Fritos nor compliments. If I get complimented I will think it was a lie, and if I get criticised, even to help me learn, I tear up. This has happened in front of teachers before, and it sucks.

My dad gets worse at home and doesn't even talk to anybody but my older sibling, my mum has her favourite child, and I don't have anybody in my family to talk to. I can't ask questions because I am told again and again to stop talking because "I'm asking too many questions" and I don't want to annoy anyone.

And just for clarification, I have not been tested or whatever to see if I have depression or anxiety, but I don't think I'll ever do that.

Now, this year. I'm in year 8.

I have bad friends and good friends. I don't ever want to annoy or hurt anyone's feelings even if it's to help them. I can't talk to my dad without him lashing out. I'm pretty much scared of teachers. And I am laying here now, on my bed, writing this at 2:27am and I am not going to ever get decent sleep.

I've ditched a friend to escape my worries about them, even though they are the only nice one and I get disheartened everytime I get a message saying "I miss you" or "please come back and talk to me"

I guess I could say I'm fragile, easy to break. Sorry if this isn't meant to be here or I shouldn't be saying this here, but I never have found a better place to put this here, even if I get hate back from this.

- Gala ;)