when I was young I used to love the outdoors. I loved nature and bugs and I was an adventurous girl. I used to know how to have fun and I was fun to be around. I was afraid of anything but then as I turned like 13 or 14 something took that all away. I developed bipolar disorder and so much anxiety and fear. Now I live with fear. Afraid to go outside because of bugs. Afraid of Rivers, lakes, beaches, Oceans, ponds, Pools...etc. I am afraid of flowers and the summer and spring and fall. I am afraid of bugs and spiders. I have developed so much fear and I just always feel sad because I remember when I used to have fun. I used to collect bugs. Everything was taken away when I turned 13. My life changed and my feelings turned on me. Now I feel sad, happy, mad. I don't know what I feel anymore. I can't tell who the real me is or was there even a real me. All I know is that I live with 4 of me. Sad me, Happy me, Mad Me, and Fearful Me. Emotions mix and I get confused and I don't know what to feel. Most of the time I fake the real me but again define the real me. Its like I wear a mask to protect me from letting my emotions take over. If I let my anger out I hurt people, if I let my sadness take over, I make people feel sad. Happiness is what seems to make others not hurt or feel sad. So, I keep my happiness mask on to protect others and to make others happy when they are sad. Some day there will come a time when I can get rid of the mask and show my true self. today isn't the day.



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