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Forum Index > Other Fiction > The Howling Raven
Page 1  
Author Thread Post
Katelynn4545
Level 71
The Artistic
Joined: 5/24/2015
Threads: 345
Posts: 17,562
Posted: 1/18/2017 at 10:01 PM Post #1
Setting: One of the Last Imperial Camps deep in the forest of Dreams
Prologue
Kind of...

This was perplexing; he had never seen someone fail to die before! Who did this outsider think she was. The real question was why did she have that look in her eye and a seducing smirk on her face as she slaughtered everyone who dared to get near her. Canine, feline, It didn't matter as one by one they meet their end in a symphony of yowls and screams, complimented by the low thud of bodies hitting the ground. until finally he was the only one left.
The black and white female shook the blood from her fluffy once well groomed fur, her white swirls visible under her purple shear cloth garments decorated with Silver chains " What a shame, Got all dirty and you guys didn't even put up a fight " She said her tone like that of an unimpressed mistress. She looked him directly in the eyes from across the field of carcasses. " Oh don't worry General I didn't forget about you... I was just saving you for last," She Pounced over the lifeless challengers almost touching noses with the brown tabby.

The General was adorned with gem encrusted Armor over his chest and spine. " You're not going to win this Wolf Of the West..." he said playing strong though he knew he was going to die just like the others.

The Black and white slender feline sighed and closed her eyes for a brief moment only to open them with a smile " General, when will you learn to stop being so prideful."

She touched her nose with his and a sharp unbearable pain struck his midsection. It wasn't long before his world went black and he joined the others.

Hey Could you guys Send me a PM with critiques on this? I want to get better at writing and would like your opinions! Thanks!
~Kate

Once I start the rest I will at a context and a Bio and Link page for the characters and places, I think I will also go and separate Dialog a bit in the text itself.
Edited By Katelynn4545 on 1/19/2017 at 6:39 PM.
Captharleyc
Level 75
Champion
Joined: 9/2/2015
Threads: 5
Posts: 788
Posted: 1/18/2017 at 11:09 PM Post #2
This was perplexing; he had never seen someone fail to die before! Who did this outsider think she was. The real question was why did she have that look in her eye, and a seducing smirk on her face as she slaughtered everyone who dared to get near her. Canine, feline, It didn't matter as one by one they met their ends making in a symphony of yowls and screams, complimented only by the low thud of bodies hitting the ground. until finally he was the only one left.

The Black and white decorated female shook the blood from her fluffy, once well groomed fur. "What a shame. Got all dirty and you guys didn't even Put up a fight."She said her tone like that of an unimpressed mistress. she sighed Sand looked him directly in the eyes from across the field of carcasses. "Oh don't worry General I didn't forget about you... I was just saving you for last," She Pounced over the lifeless challengers almost touching noses with the brown tabby.

The General was adorned with gem encrusted Armor over his chest and spine. "You're not going to win this Wolf Of the West..." he said playing strong although he knew he was going to die just like the others.

The Black and white slender feline sighed and closed her eyes for a brief moment only to open them with a smile "General, when will you learn to stop being so Prideful."

she touched her nose with his and a sharp unbearable pain struck his midsection. It wasn't long before his world went black and he joined the others.

Critique

Good use of adjectives and prepositions in the work, just be sure that it isn't getting wordy, needlessly.

Paragraphing is important to separate thoughts and characters. I've put the breaks in as I felt they should've been entered. If it is breaching the interpretation of the work, then paragraph it in a way that better reflects the ideas.

By "decorated," do you mean her fur is black and white or is she wearing something that makes her look salt and pepper. Because it will change the word picture when talking about the blood on her fur in the same sentence.

Periods and when to capitalize need some work.
Katelynn4545
Level 71
The Artistic
Joined: 5/24/2015
Threads: 345
Posts: 17,562
Posted: 1/19/2017 at 6:40 AM Post #3
Thanks! I will work on it tomorrow, got to take care of the pup today.
 
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