Requested critique of "Chaper 1: The Decision."
Technical and Grammar corrections, recommended editing:
Scene 1:
Paragraph 1: Sentence 4; comma after Temple, delete 'had just' before the word 'came.' Sentence 5 'He saw the elders.' is unnecessary, since sentence 6 explains it in detail. Sentence 6: comma after them, semicolon after Angonean, delete 'being,' comma after three, delete 'then there was also.'
Paragraph 2 last word should be 'elder.' Sentence 5 can be deleted if Renoea's name is placed in sentence 3. Also sentence 3 and 4 are the same thought and can be combined (replace the period with a comma). Sentence 4, delete 'most' and 'the' in front of ryori.
Paragraph 3, Sentence 1, 2 and 3 are one thought, replace periods between them with commas. Sentence 6, comma between 'him, though.' Also put 'and' after servant. Sentence 7, delete 'Then' which starts this sentence.
Paragraph 4, Sentence 3, delete 'to' before Angonean.
Paragraph 5, Sentence 1, ryori shouldn't be capitalized. Insert 'he' between 'that' and 'wishes.' Patronise = 'patronize.' Sentence 2 is run-on; put period after 'said', delete 'and' to start new sentence3 with 'Renoea.' Last sentence needs a comma after 'think.'
SCENE 2:
Paragraph 1: Delete sentences 1, 3 and 8, start with sentence 2 and replace 'He' with 'Rano' please, please, please! Sentence 4 recommendation to swap 'his closest of friends knew the truth that...' with 'his closest friends knew, in truth, that...' Sentence 6, though = 'thought', elder's = elders'. Sentence 9 and 10 carry the idea of sentence 8 without having to be told about Rano's feelings, it let's the audience glimpse Rano without having his feelings interpreted for the reader.
Paragraph 2: Sentence 5 is a run-on, suggest a period after 'headstrong.' In sentence 5 and 6 overuse of 'see' and/or 'saw,' two characters but three uses of visual sense within back-to-back sentences, try to condense down to two uses. Sentence 10, should be the start of a new paragraph, introducing offspring as another incentive is another subject that you have put a lot of detail into and should be it's own paragraph.
Paragraph 3 really needs to be divided into the children thought expressed above and a new paragraph probably started at 'Rano would do anything for his children or Sanune' because it transitions to another thought, about his sister.
SCENE 3, see critique.
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CRITIQUE: Opinion, Likes and Dislikes
I think this is a great draft to get chapter 1 started with. You have a very clear idea about how all of the characters relate to one another. And, I also think you were very thoughtful in your choice of speech mannerisms. Rano is not well spoken and he calls himself 'of the peasant ranks' and his eloquence, or lack of it shows in his quotations. Also Renoea's subservience expresses itself in calling Angonean elder at the beginning and end when addressing him. As well as the elder's pomposity, when addressing a peasant. I hope these were all intentional because it creates castes without needing to explain the feudalistic way it came about. Contrary to this however, ryori's have relatively featureless faces, which is a big part of what makes them mysterious, so be careful about word choice when expressing them. For example, Scene 2, Paragraph 2, Sentences 1, 7, and 12, can you really see ryori smiling? This is probably one method of expressing happiness, pleasure, joy and positive emotions that isn't going to be visually obvious to the reader. The easiest fix is to replace smile, smiles, smiling with other adjectives, or go risky and describe other telltale ryori signs of expressing those emotions outwardly.
'Show, don't tell,' is a really big part of the story that is missing in this chapter. You are very concise at telling us in each scene where the events in the scene are taking place and great use of ~~~~~~~ to separate each scene makes a little space so the story isn't, visually, bulky. Unfortunately their is no description or background. We know they are in the Shadow Realm but nothing to suggest what it looks like from Rano's point of view outside the temple. The temple itself we only know dates back to the beginning of their species but no visual description of what it looks like, if it looks old or has been well maintained. In scene 2 we have a desk, in a study/work room, but no idea of the layout, while Rano is ironically working on the layout of a castle. It's very important to paint enough of a background about where something is taking place as much as it is to describe what is taking place. Correcting this is as easy as remembering the five W's with each scene (Who, What, Where, Why, How).
Keeping the wonders of ryori while maintaining their mysteries seems to be a bit challenging at the moment. I say this because as the chapter progresses, the story begins reading more anthropomorphic (anthro/furry) rather than as a true ryori story. I need to site multiple examples here but all are this same concept. Scene two is chock full of human terms that makes the reader relate too much with the ryori. Words like children, bed, and house are nouns which are too specifically humanistic that I think they should be replaced, even if it's a different word that requires a little description to make it relate to the reader. That will create a little discover in the mystery. Scene 1, Paragraph 2, Sentence 6, deleting everything in this sentence after 'her' enhances the mystery of Angonean and Reonea's relationship. Also, Scene 1, Paragraph 5 tells us that Rano is going to see his mate gives us information about where he is going before we need to know it. This is a 'mystery reducer' that should be cut. How Rano is sketching at a desk needs some real description. They don't have thumbs so how is he manipulating a sketch tool? Is he using some form of telepathy, an ectoplasmic extension of his phantasmal body or perhaps one of the energy orbs has mass to grip and manipulate the instrument? Any explanation like this will give the activity, plausible substance while keeping the mystery.
PERSONAL THOUGHTS REGARDING EACH SCENE THAT BARE MENTIONING:
Scene 1, Paragraph 2 & 3, rewording Renoea's opening statement in Paragraph 2 to announce Rano into the temple, can allow you to swap the positions of sentence 3 and sentence 2 and, I think, improves the transition. Because paragraph 1 doesn't read as if Reno is coming unannounced into the temple, if he is, then paragraph 1 needs a more aggressive feel to it.
Scene 2, by the time it gets to Paragraph 3, Rano has lost his focus on his plans, turning to thoughts of family. Is he drifting off to sleep, or is he dwelling into an old wrong that is giving him new resolve? That question should be answered to recapture the reader. Along that line, are these comments of just the facts or are they how the protagonist perceives the threat? Her sister befriended a Sylestie human, that human didn't take his sister against her will, or brainwash her, or captured her for a pet... By the end of the paragraph it sounds as though the elders are the enemy and not the Sylestians.
Scene 3, in all honesty, This is probably the best written scene, but I would scrap it completely. It doesn't really add anything essential to Chapter 1, and it takes away your local antagonist (Angonean) suddenly. Unless, there is a new antagonistic force to pit against Rano showing up in Chapter 2 or 3 (say like Engar or Trasn stepping into fill Angonean's paws in a more domineering way than the old eldest), this is rather anti-climactic. Angonean is displaying some sort of prophetic foresight as he keels over, it would provide punch to his status if this was hinted at as foresight or something in Scene 1 to give his position as lead elder some substance. |
The New Line of Characters
The Ryori
Anage, the heir to the throne, the young adventurous ryori. He is unique and strange yet his mysterious aura is attractive to most ryori
Asonta, the admirer of Anage, some say Asonta is the jewel others say that they are the mate of Asonta but no Asonta has her eye set on one mysterious Ryori.
Ranoetanee, unknown, This mysterious and supposed dangerous soldier of the new found Ryori Army is cruel and vicious. He will let nothing get in his way of his one goal.
Sahkeng, the protector, Most don't know about him only his mate Hegraek and his daughter Yenol know about him.
Yenol , Sahkeng's daughter, She is shy and timid which is considered weak in the ryori kingdom
Senra, one of the royal advisors, Kind yet he holds a dark secret
Santra, the other royal advisor, She is mysterious and strange as well as the twin of Senra
The Shadow Creatures
Demontran, a stranger, He is unknown and more about him will be revealed in the story. Wait for his story to unravel.
Sagena, the shadow Fae, She is unique and yet she has her own story about why she is stuck ,almost like in limbo, inside the shadow realm |