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Forum Index > Fan Fiction > The Story of Rano and the Ryori Kingdom
Page 1  
Author Thread Post
Sapphirethemage
Level 66
The Sweet Tooth
Joined: 9/21/2016
Threads: 74
Posts: 12,645
Posted: 12/24/2016 at 1:36 PM Post #1
The Ryori were strange creatures. Most Humans only knew that Ryori were from the shadow realm little did they know the shadow realm held a kingdom within it. Here is where Grim Rose was born. But we are here before the birth of Grim Rose. We are going as far back as to the start of the kingdom. And It starts with one Ryori named Rano. Rano's idea was that the ryori needed to be lead so that they could become an unstoppable force. Just so that in case of attack from sylestia they would be ready. This is the story of Rano and the Ryori Kingdom.

Characters

Rano is a young, energetic and hopeful Ryori. He was the person who had the idea of the ryori kingdom. And this is about his life.


Sanune, the mate of Rano, is a mysterious, strange and unique specimen of her clan.
Edited By Sapphirethewolf9339 on 12/29/2016 at 7:13 PM.
Sapphirethemage
Level 66
The Sweet Tooth
Joined: 9/21/2016
Threads: 74
Posts: 12,645
Posted: 12/26/2016 at 6:14 PM Post #2
Chapter 1
The Decision


Rano sighed. Today he would propose to the elders his thought of forming a kingdom. He knew even if the elders denied his proposal he would do it anyway knowing someday in the future some sylesti might find a way to pass into the shadow realm and he didn't want to see the end of his family and friends. Rano took a deep breath and entered the Elder Temple that had been built when the ryori had just came into existence. He saw the elders. There was three of them Angonean being the oldest of the three then there was also Engar and Trasn. Angonean looked up at the sound of Rano entering.

"What is such young one doing here!" Angonean demanded. The elder's servant came in. She was one of the most fairest of all the ryori. Her name was Renoea. The elder Angonean had selected her finding something unique in her. Most did not know why but none questioned the elders.

"Elder please calm down." Renoea said. "This Ryori is here to speak with you and he has good intentions I am sure of that elder." Angonean huffed and looked back at Rano. Rano smiled at Renoea. She had always be kind to him though he knew she was as a Elder's servant was forbidden to take a mate. Then Rano came closer to the elders. He bowed down until Angonean tapped his head in a signal to stand up. Angonean then looked into Rano's eyes.

"Angonean head elder and most wisest of all ryori here. I know that it is foolish to come speak to one of such high rank when one is such of just a peasant rank." Rano said trying to appease to Angonean's almost medieval like manor. Angonean scoffed and Rano went on. "I propose that-" Angonean laughed and the other elders were laughing as well. Rano frowned.

"Get rid of this Ryori Renoea I don't wish to hear his foolish speech that wishes to patronise me with." Angonean said and Renoea nodded and ushered Rano out of the temple. Once they exited Rano looked at Renoea. He then went off and see his mate. Rano knew whether the elder's liked it or not he would build the castle. And maybe he would be ruler. But that was foolish to think yet one could dream.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rano sat at his planning desk sketching out plans. He had been sketching plans now for days. Only now had he been able to fabricate it. Most ryori thought he was building a new house but only his closest of friends knew the truth that he was building a castle. Yet soon he would start expanding the first part that he had built. Rano knew it would be hard but he was ready for the challenge and with his mate at his side he would continue strong. Some of his friends were even helping him and some though it was wrong because he didn't get the elder's approval. Yet Rano didn't care all he care about was the safety and future of the ryori. The shadow realm may be intruded on in the future if technology progresses. And Rano was sure it would.

Sanune came to his work room and smiled at him sweetly. "You're working yourself to the bone Rano....... what will you do if you can't work tomorrow?" Sanune said. Rano looked at her with tired eyes and shook his head knowing he must continue headstrong but Sanune could see that he was tired and Rano knew she would force him to go to bed whether he liked it or not. Sanune saw that special glint in his eyes and laughed. Rano smiled and then he shoed her away. She let him make her go away knowing right now he could not and would not be persuaded. Then Rano went back to work. He was planning children's room for he knew Sanune was going to have a child he could tell. Many of his friend's mates had given birth to children so he knew the signs and he knew them well. Rano smiled at the thought of children. He had always wanted children. Not just some other ryori's children who would run by them but one of his own. One that would call him dad and cuddle with him.

At the thought of children Rano smiled and then sighed. Children would be hard but they would make it through he was sure of it. Even if he had to demand that the elders respect him and allow him to make his own choices. Rano would do anything for his children or Sanune but he wish he could see his sister but she had been banished and all wished to forget her. All because she had befriended a human. Though Rano thought it was outrageous he did want his sister back. Then Rano went back to work

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a bit light but usually there was no light. Rano thought nothing of it nor did the other ryori. He was working on building his castle and his friends were there helping him. They all worked hard and some of his friend's grown up children were helping. Rano and his friends all worked hard. They were relentless for they all thought this was for the good of ryori kind even if it was now allowed by the elders. Rano let them have breaks but mostly they work vigorously and didn't stop. He was proud that some of his friends supported him. But some of his friend had been with Rano through thick and thin.

Sanune came to them bearing some food for them to eat. The men smiled at her and Rano scoffed. Some ryori had tried to get Sanune to be their mate because of her unique beauty but only had Rano been able to tame her heart and make her his. And some males have tried to take her from him but all have failed due to the elder's announcement of them becoming mates for life. He praised the elders for that but now he was going against the known ryori laws. Rano planned to make new ones though. Soon they finished the first floor of the castle. Then he and his friends relaxed suddenly a ryori came to them. Rano recognized it as Renoea.

"What is it Renoea?" Rano asked seeing her worried face. "Is something wrong with the elders?" Renoea nodded and lead the way. When they got to the temple and entered they saw that Angonean was having a new vision. He was sprawled out on the floor and breathing heavily. Suddenly he was awaken from his state.

"Rano......... you must build a kingdom.......... you must for all ryori sake!" Angonean croaked. "And you.......... you must lead it so that we will thrive and be safe........................ safe from danger." With that Angonean gave one last breath and collapsed. Rano knew he was dead and now he had the blessing but......... he didn't like the way it happened. Not one bit. For this was a cruel way for Angonean to die. Just because of him and his foolish ideas he had probably brought Angonean's death. Beside him Renoea weeped and he turned to her.

She had fabricated such a tight bond to Angonean and now that he was dead that hurt her bad. Rano hugged her close to him hoping that he was comforting her. He knew she needed it and also a lot of time to think. But right now he needed to gather a lot more ryori to help him build. So Rano set off into the town to gather as many ryori as he could that could help him build.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To be continued in the next chapter
Edited By Sapphirethewolf9339 on 12/26/2016 at 9:14 PM.
Sapphirethemage
Level 66
The Sweet Tooth
Joined: 9/21/2016
Threads: 74
Posts: 12,645
Posted: 12/27/2016 at 9:11 PM Post #3
Chapter 2
Rano's Child


They had finished the castle and almost in time. Sanune had collapsed in the baby's room. She was panting heavily and her eyes glazed over. Rano knew she was going to give birth and that it couldn't wait until a medic ryori arrived. He had to help deliver the baby or either Sanune and or the child and even maybe both could die. His friends helped him carry her to a table.

~~~~~~~~

After the long hours of labor it was finally over. Sanune and the child or should he say children had survived. All thanks to one of his friends running off to get a medic. For that Rano was happy but one of the children. He was different from the rest. Rano had named him Anage and he believed that Anage was gifted. He knew he had to keep Anage's gift a secret even if he had to die because he refused to tell anyone. But that was what any father would do right? No not all. Some ryori fathers have even been told to have thrown their babies into the realm of light or what some called it Sylestia. Rano believed it was a myth but he couldn't shake the thought that Anage could be in danger.

Sanune refused to believe Anage was different from his sisters Sagaea and Trentona. But Rano knew she truly believed that Anage was unique and that he may have to be the heir to the throne due to this gift of his. Of this gift most refuse to say for no one had written what it was. The only one who knew was Rano who kept the secret till he died. But back to the story.

~~~~~~~~~

In the garden played Rano's children. As Rano watched he saw that Sagaea wasn't playing like she normally did. She was more sluggish and less excited. Rano intervened and took Sagaea to a medic worried that she might be sick. The medic did a thorough inspection of Sagaea. Rano could see that glint in the medic's eyes something was wrong. Terrible wrong to be exact. The medic looked at Rano.

"I am so sorry sir......" The medic said. "Sagaea has a rare condition that can't be healed by any forms of ryori magic. I am afraid she is going to die Rano. Take her home and make her last days the best days." Rano looked at Sagaea who was playing around on the metal counter the medic had placed her on. Sagaea looked at Rano when he picked her up. Rano took her hope and let her play with her sister and brother. Then Rano went to Sanune and he wept openly for one of the first times. Sanune knew that Sagaea wasn't feeling good but to find that her daughter would die was heartbreaking.

Rano held his mate close and they both cried. Their children heard their parent but they didn't know why they were crying sometimes one thought they may ask but they refrained knowing sometimes ryori needed alone time. Even the elder ryori.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a few days Sagaea had passed and Rano was grieving yet he pulled himself together. He made rules that he would enforce now to protect all ryori. Rano also made a counsel hall sketch hoping to grow the ryori population and have the ryori also grow stronger. He worked now day and night relentlessly. But he fell asleep by mistake not meaning to. Anage looked at his father and smiled. A tear ran down Anage's face as he closed the door to his father's work room.

Anage went into his room and got onto his bed. He managed to sleep for the rest of the night though he dreamed of horrible nightmares
Edited By Sapphirethewolf9339 on 12/29/2016 at 12:13 PM.
Jade07
Level 50
The Artistic
Joined: 3/3/2016
Threads: 219
Posts: 4,191
Posted: 12/28/2016 at 6:13 AM Post #4
may i get my characters in my sister's rory specter is a caricature in my own story along with her mate can this be like before she met tanaca or like she is in for only one chapter
Sapphirethemage
Level 66
The Sweet Tooth
Joined: 9/21/2016
Threads: 74
Posts: 12,645
Posted: 12/28/2016 at 8:09 AM Post #5
Sorry this has no ryori in it that exist this is like at the beginning of ryori kind sorry Jade
Jade07
Level 50
The Artistic
Joined: 3/3/2016
Threads: 219
Posts: 4,191
Posted: 12/28/2016 at 8:25 AM Post #6
ok this message is too short so i'm adding that it is
Captharleyc
Level 75
Champion
Joined: 9/2/2015
Threads: 5
Posts: 788
Posted: 12/30/2016 at 5:28 AM Post #7
Requested critique of "Chaper 1: The Decision."

Technical and Grammar corrections, recommended editing:

Scene 1:

Paragraph 1: Sentence 4; comma after Temple, delete 'had just' before the word 'came.' Sentence 5 'He saw the elders.' is unnecessary, since sentence 6 explains it in detail. Sentence 6: comma after them, semicolon after Angonean, delete 'being,' comma after three, delete 'then there was also.'

Paragraph 2 last word should be 'elder.' Sentence 5 can be deleted if Renoea's name is placed in sentence 3. Also sentence 3 and 4 are the same thought and can be combined (replace the period with a comma). Sentence 4, delete 'most' and 'the' in front of ryori.

Paragraph 3, Sentence 1, 2 and 3 are one thought, replace periods between them with commas. Sentence 6, comma between 'him, though.' Also put 'and' after servant. Sentence 7, delete 'Then' which starts this sentence.

Paragraph 4, Sentence 3, delete 'to' before Angonean.

Paragraph 5, Sentence 1, ryori shouldn't be capitalized. Insert 'he' between 'that' and 'wishes.' Patronise = 'patronize.' Sentence 2 is run-on; put period after 'said', delete 'and' to start new sentence3 with 'Renoea.' Last sentence needs a comma after 'think.'


SCENE 2:

Paragraph 1: Delete sentences 1, 3 and 8, start with sentence 2 and replace 'He' with 'Rano' please, please, please! Sentence 4 recommendation to swap 'his closest of friends knew the truth that...' with 'his closest friends knew, in truth, that...' Sentence 6, though = 'thought', elder's = elders'. Sentence 9 and 10 carry the idea of sentence 8 without having to be told about Rano's feelings, it let's the audience glimpse Rano without having his feelings interpreted for the reader.

Paragraph 2: Sentence 5 is a run-on, suggest a period after 'headstrong.' In sentence 5 and 6 overuse of 'see' and/or 'saw,' two characters but three uses of visual sense within back-to-back sentences, try to condense down to two uses. Sentence 10, should be the start of a new paragraph, introducing offspring as another incentive is another subject that you have put a lot of detail into and should be it's own paragraph.

Paragraph 3 really needs to be divided into the children thought expressed above and a new paragraph probably started at 'Rano would do anything for his children or Sanune' because it transitions to another thought, about his sister.

SCENE 3, see critique.

-----------------------------------------------------

CRITIQUE: Opinion, Likes and Dislikes

I think this is a great draft to get chapter 1 started with. You have a very clear idea about how all of the characters relate to one another. And, I also think you were very thoughtful in your choice of speech mannerisms. Rano is not well spoken and he calls himself 'of the peasant ranks' and his eloquence, or lack of it shows in his quotations. Also Renoea's subservience expresses itself in calling Angonean elder at the beginning and end when addressing him. As well as the elder's pomposity, when addressing a peasant. I hope these were all intentional because it creates castes without needing to explain the feudalistic way it came about. Contrary to this however, ryori's have relatively featureless faces, which is a big part of what makes them mysterious, so be careful about word choice when expressing them. For example, Scene 2, Paragraph 2, Sentences 1, 7, and 12, can you really see ryori smiling? This is probably one method of expressing happiness, pleasure, joy and positive emotions that isn't going to be visually obvious to the reader. The easiest fix is to replace smile, smiles, smiling with other adjectives, or go risky and describe other telltale ryori signs of expressing those emotions outwardly.

'Show, don't tell,' is a really big part of the story that is missing in this chapter. You are very concise at telling us in each scene where the events in the scene are taking place and great use of ~~~~~~~ to separate each scene makes a little space so the story isn't, visually, bulky. Unfortunately their is no description or background. We know they are in the Shadow Realm but nothing to suggest what it looks like from Rano's point of view outside the temple. The temple itself we only know dates back to the beginning of their species but no visual description of what it looks like, if it looks old or has been well maintained. In scene 2 we have a desk, in a study/work room, but no idea of the layout, while Rano is ironically working on the layout of a castle. It's very important to paint enough of a background about where something is taking place as much as it is to describe what is taking place. Correcting this is as easy as remembering the five W's with each scene (Who, What, Where, Why, How).

Keeping the wonders of ryori while maintaining their mysteries seems to be a bit challenging at the moment. I say this because as the chapter progresses, the story begins reading more anthropomorphic (anthro/furry) rather than as a true ryori story. I need to site multiple examples here but all are this same concept. Scene two is chock full of human terms that makes the reader relate too much with the ryori. Words like children, bed, and house are nouns which are too specifically humanistic that I think they should be replaced, even if it's a different word that requires a little description to make it relate to the reader. That will create a little discover in the mystery. Scene 1, Paragraph 2, Sentence 6, deleting everything in this sentence after 'her' enhances the mystery of Angonean and Reonea's relationship. Also, Scene 1, Paragraph 5 tells us that Rano is going to see his mate gives us information about where he is going before we need to know it. This is a 'mystery reducer' that should be cut. How Rano is sketching at a desk needs some real description. They don't have thumbs so how is he manipulating a sketch tool? Is he using some form of telepathy, an ectoplasmic extension of his phantasmal body or perhaps one of the energy orbs has mass to grip and manipulate the instrument? Any explanation like this will give the activity, plausible substance while keeping the mystery.

PERSONAL THOUGHTS REGARDING EACH SCENE THAT BARE MENTIONING:

Scene 1, Paragraph 2 & 3, rewording Renoea's opening statement in Paragraph 2 to announce Rano into the temple, can allow you to swap the positions of sentence 3 and sentence 2 and, I think, improves the transition. Because paragraph 1 doesn't read as if Reno is coming unannounced into the temple, if he is, then paragraph 1 needs a more aggressive feel to it.

Scene 2, by the time it gets to Paragraph 3, Rano has lost his focus on his plans, turning to thoughts of family. Is he drifting off to sleep, or is he dwelling into an old wrong that is giving him new resolve? That question should be answered to recapture the reader. Along that line, are these comments of just the facts or are they how the protagonist perceives the threat? Her sister befriended a Sylestie human, that human didn't take his sister against her will, or brainwash her, or captured her for a pet... By the end of the paragraph it sounds as though the elders are the enemy and not the Sylestians.

Scene 3, in all honesty, This is probably the best written scene, but I would scrap it completely. It doesn't really add anything essential to Chapter 1, and it takes away your local antagonist (Angonean) suddenly. Unless, there is a new antagonistic force to pit against Rano showing up in Chapter 2 or 3 (say like Engar or Trasn stepping into fill Angonean's paws in a more domineering way than the old eldest), this is rather anti-climactic. Angonean is displaying some sort of prophetic foresight as he keels over, it would provide punch to his status if this was hinted at as foresight or something in Scene 1 to give his position as lead elder some substance.
Sapphirethemage
Level 66
The Sweet Tooth
Joined: 9/21/2016
Threads: 74
Posts: 12,645
Posted: 1/13/2017 at 1:12 PM Post #8
The New Line of Characters

The Ryori

Anage, the heir to the throne, the young adventurous ryori. He is unique and strange yet his mysterious aura is attractive to most ryori


Asonta, the admirer of Anage, some say Asonta is the jewel others say that they are the mate of Asonta but no Asonta has her eye set on one mysterious Ryori.


Ranoetanee, unknown, This mysterious and supposed dangerous soldier of the new found Ryori Army is cruel and vicious. He will let nothing get in his way of his one goal.


Sahkeng, the protector, Most don't know about him only his mate Hegraek and his daughter Yenol know about him.


Yenol , Sahkeng's daughter, She is shy and timid which is considered weak in the ryori kingdom


Senra, one of the royal advisors, Kind yet he holds a dark secret


Santra, the other royal advisor, She is mysterious and strange as well as the twin of Senra

The Shadow Creatures


Demontran, a stranger, He is unknown and more about him will be revealed in the story. Wait for his story to unravel.


Sagena, the shadow Fae, She is unique and yet she has her own story about why she is stuck ,almost like in limbo, inside the shadow realm
Edited By Sapphirethewolf9339 on 2/5/2017 at 12:40 PM.
Sapphirethemage
Level 66
The Sweet Tooth
Joined: 9/21/2016
Threads: 74
Posts: 12,645
Posted: 1/16/2017 at 1:53 PM Post #9
Chapter
The Mist Veil


The wind had started and wind never came to the Shadow Realm so with it it brought worry and fear. Senra and Santra came running to the now king of this castle. Anage stood upon his throne proudly. Senra gasped for air.

"King Anage!" Santra screamed in what seemed like fear. "The elder spirits! They....... they must have been upset! T-t-the...... Ranoetanee! He..... something happened...... he attacked another ryori!" Anage stepped off his throne and was lead to Ranoetanee.

W.I.P
Edited By Sapphirethewolf9339 on 3/12/2017 at 3:59 PM.
 
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