Hi there! I really like both versions that you've written, but it seems like they're different stories with the same beginning--The first one seems as though the girl is punishing her adopted father for the way he's been behaving towards her, while the second one seems to ignore him entirely. I feel like a combination of these two versions would be best suited for an interesting beginning.
The introduction for the first story, I felt, was more mysterious and interesting right away. You don't really know what she means by saying things looked the same, and that made me want to read more. However, the second story starts out with flames and I immediately lose interest because it's been done so many times.
I would recommend keeping this portion of the introduction:
"At first, everything looked the same. The same forest, stretching endlessly ahead of me. The same fields, half-plowed from the days early harvests. The same cold Harvest night air. It was always cold at night. But on this night, new warmth swept into the breeze, bringing along the scents of burning wood, the sound of crackling flames lapping stones, and as I turned my head, the destruction was obvious. On the familiar hill before me, the village glowed with an unnatural orange, shining in the night sky like a torch."
The words after it in the first story I thought were confusing.
I do like how you have the father character and relate to an easier time, showing that change is indeed happening but not yet giving a reason or acknowledging the change. It gives the reader a chance to figure something out before some of the characters do or before the author reveals the information.
In the second story, I absolutely loved this quote from Mera:
"Have you noticed anything changing, Crys? Anything different...about yourself?"
It sort-of gave me shivers! ^^ I also liked how Crys asked what she meant when she really knew the answer. I can relate to that very well.
The fact that you used dialogue to describe the new race was clever, and you didn't say anything too soon. It gave the chance to digest everything you'd said before you gave new information.
That said, you really do need to use quotations for dialogue! It helps clarify that someone is speaking.
Other than that, though, the story was great and I loved reading it. It's so much better than a lot of other stories I read on forums these days! |
