Ok. so, I'm really nervous about posting things on here. People might try to steal ideas, I never would, but I don't know who might. So this story is a ... start. Not that good, but I can use some good criticism. It never hurts. Please don't steal this idea, I kind-of like it, you know? I will try to come back as much as possible, but
i might not be on at all times. Thank you for reading!

Wow, this is harder than it looks.

Jackie woke up sure that she didn't have wings yesterday, or any day for that matter. The land she was in must have been a dream. That's what she'd told herself, at least until she woke up the next day, and was still in the mysterious world, with wings. Everyone might be thinking, 'Oh, great! Wings, they're awesome. I mean, you can fly, right?' Wrong. The wings just got in the way of everything.

First, when Jackie had tried to get out of a tight space, please don't ask why it had to involve a big animal, her wings made her stay stuck, even though she was positive she could crawl in. Next, they were a big heavy material whose feathers swirled at every slight breeze. They were easy to break, and Jackie still didn't know how to use them. And so far, she had seen no one inhabit this strange land that could help her. No one at all.

It seemed vacant, empty of life. No one would want to live here any way. The tall grass made it hard to see things you could trip over. The bigger than usual animals made it hard just to stay alive. The wings didn't help either, but that is already spoken of, enough said. At least Jackie was alive even after the attack of the wild bear. It was ferocious.

Jackie shuddered as she remembered the savage growling and roaring of the beast. It had been chased off a cliff at least. Now, Jackie knew to stay hidden, with at least two exits. She had made a make-shift camp. Jackie jumped over a fallen log as she listened for any angry noises of any animal. She stumbled, fell and brushed herself off. Weird, she thought she had gotten all the rocks from this place. Obviously not. Jackie squatted to find the rock or twig, when a loud twang noise ripped the silent air.

Jackie dropped to the floor and protected her head with her hands. Something was hunting her.

To be continued ...

There's more.

Jackie hurried up as the charging object crashed into a tree. She saw a glimpse of something off to her right. She hurried left.It was an arrow. In the tree was an arrow. A sudden realization dawned on Jackie as she ran off North. Jackie was so absorbed in trying to figure out what to say, she nearly tumbled off a cliff, and dove headfirst in the freezing and rocky water below. She turned around and looked into the surrounding forest.

"Hello?" she called into the folaige. "Hi, I'm Jackie. I don't know why you're chasing me, after all you hunt like my kind do. What and were are you. I promise I didn't come here to hurt or hunt you." Jackie held her breath and waited for ... I don't know, something to know they acknowledged. Something other than the objective to hunt me down, she thought, straining her eyes against the darkening world.

Nothing came. For at least an hour Jackie stood, shifting from foot to foot, and still nothing came. Jackie sighed. Maybe I was having an effect from something I ate, she thought as still nothing happened. As she took a step forward to go back to camp, a voice called out.

"Nay, don't move stranger. You are going to be shot if you do. Stay still. You might be a threat." it said as a crunch sound came from the forest. There was a mixed babbling from the forest, and then finally, a man stepped out.

He looked way different then what Jackie thought he would look like. He looked just like a human, but he had a snake like tail. The head whipped around and gave a glare only a snake could to Jackie.

"Hello, I take it you will not harm us," the man said, his voice ruff and scratchy, different than the one that had spoken before. "Still, extra cations must be taken. Obviously you're an outcast. From where is undetermined. But, as people of the land of Zermanos, we must welcome you as a friend. You might think this is weird, but we have been neglecting our duties so far. This must not happen again, understood, Shadow?"

"Understood, sir!" came the voice that had spoken before and a boy about her age stepped out of the bushes. He had wings, like Jackie, but they were like a bats, unlike Jackie's. He was Shadow. "Sir, what are we to do? It is nearly dark, and we have not eaten. Neither has she by the looks of things."

The snake-tailed man pretended to think things over. Shadow looked nervously at the man, which seemed like the leader of whatever group had caught Jackie. Jackie looked back and forth from the man to Shadow wondering what this was all about. Then the man laughed a big hearty laugh.

"Of course, Shadow, we shall have a feast. Don't look so nervous." then the man looked at Jackie, not kindly, but not evilly either. "And you can be our guest."

To be continued ... (What will happen next? And please write what you think. I need some good criticism. :] )

Does any one actually like this and want to read more? Or is this just a failed attempt? Please answer!

It's a good start! I'd like to see more. Maybe you can try to watch carefully that each part progresses clearly from the last, so we can understand why things happened better. :)

Forgot to ping you. :)

Thank you. What parts are you confused about? : ) I'll try to tell you better.

Sure! :)

I like some of the details you added, like how you talk about Jackie feeling like her wings are in the way of everything, because it's surprising, and it makes sense, too. I also like how you describe how this man gives the kind of glare that "only a snake can give." That's a cool way of describing it. I also like how you said that one of them "pretended" to be thinking (because that shows his personality), and how you described one of the men looked at her "not kindly but not evilly, either." It's details like that that make the reader feel like they're in the story, and that are interesting because they're observations about people's behavior in real life. It would be good to see more of that.

Sometimes when we're close to a story, when we already know what's happening because we're the ones who are creating it, it's easy to forget to add descriptions of things. We can forget that the reader has no idea of the things that we, the writers already know. So reading it back again and trying to imagine that we are hearing the story for the first time can help show where the holes are in the story -- the places where there isn't enough information for the reader to follow the plot.

It would be good to see more of the overall picture, the background of the situation and the world, so these good details about the characters and the events are relevant and understandable. Can you tell us more about what land this is, and more about the passage of time? Like for example, when it says Jackie had been attacked by a bear, does that mean it was an hour ago and she was unconscious from the attack and woke up, or does it mean it was months ago and she has been lost and confused and having to live out in the wilderness far away from home all this time? How did she get her wings? What had been going on when she was attacked by the bear? Was she traveling a long distance, or does she live out here in this land normally? Why was she out there?

It said the bear had been chased off the cliff. Can you tell us more about that? Is it the reptilian creatures who did that, or something else? Is it normal for things to be so dangerous in this land because it's always filled with wild, aggressive creatures, or something strange is going on where suddenly all the creatures are turning on each other and some big change is happening? And either way, why?

In the second part, we hear about an "object," but sometimes it seems like you're describing that object as chasing her, and then it's an arrow, or maybe something she tripped over, and it's hard to know even later if you were talking about the men or the arrow they shot, or something else.

It's important to connect each part to the part before and after, and to make the progressions clear. We want to know what Jackie sees exactly, so we can see it, too. For example, it's hard to tell how many men are there at what time -- this sort of thing. If the characters, or a group of characters, change their mind about something, it's important to know why. We need to know enough background about the situation to know why characters say things, like why one of the characters says she's not a threat after they just treated her like one.

It's also good to be careful to specify who is talking to whom. We don't want to be confused about who is speaking, like if they're speaking to her or eachother. So adding that kind of detail could help.

It's nice how you use dialogue to show a little bit about what kind of people these characters are. For example, we can assume that the main character is kind and peaceful because of how she's gentle when she calls out to the men. More of that detail would be great. But it would also be good to try to imagine yourself in exactly that same situation, and try to see if the way the characters are speaking would really be how the characters would say something if it were real life. Like, if you thought somebody was about to kill you like Jackie is thinking, would you sound kind of casual like she's sounding, or would you sound more afraid? More alert? Panicked? Calm, because she's almost died many times and by now she knows she can handle danger?

By the way, I don't think almost any writing is a failed attempt. Any writing is helping the writers' skills grow, and each piece that is written is going to make your next story or your next draft of the current story better. Every time we write we understand more of who we are as writers -- what our writing "voice" is. Writing is a funny thing. We learn how to write well exactly during writing ... and also during editing! :)