I've been writing since I was in 5th grade. Usually, I start writing something...and never finish it...
However, my...junior? year of high school, I started writing something that I really liked, and during my first year of college, I finished it. However, that story had a LOT of holes in it. It was a mess, plotwise, and while I always planned on writing a second book, I realized at the end of the first that the order I was writing them in was completely awful, and made absolutely no sense. I ended up deleting about 70 pages of the original manuscript (which, i do have a saved copy somewhere of the original, undeleted copy....idk where though. The only printed copy belongs to my BFF. )
Anyway, after a long hiatus from writing (like, almost 2 years...) I've started to get back into writing again. Now that I'm starting to do it again, I've started working on a complete rewrite of the original story. Originality, I was just going to delete the pages that made no sense and pick up from the middle, but now I think it would be better off just to start over from scratch, with a modified plot and everything.
However, due tot he complete rewrite, the beginning has been...modified. I'm kinda curious though, what other people think of the two versions? Should I go more with the original idea for the beginning, or the newer one? I know I am changing the main character's name from Cosette to Crys, but other than that, I was just curious which beginning drew people in more? (If either draw you in at all xD)
Constructive criticism is welcome and invited =3
Lostwords13
Level 75
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Posted: 7/26/2015 at 9:41 PM
Post #2
Original Version:
At first, everything looked the same. The same forest, stretching endlessly ahead of me. The same fields, half-plowed from the days early harvests. The same cold Harvest night air. It was always cold at night. But on this night, new warmth swept into the breeze, bringing along the scents of burning wood, the sound of crackling flames lapping stones, and as I turned my head, the destruction was obvious. On the familiar hill before me, the village glowed with an unnatural orange, shining in the night sky like a torch. I was surprised to see stars, although I dont know why. The sky formed a dome above me, like a black circle. The trees were a circle too, locking me tight within them as the flames engulfed my village. Circles aren't supposed to break. They're supposed to go around and around at a dizzying rate, and not spin out of control like this. I used to compare my life to a circle, but now I wasn't sure that it was the right term.
There had been a time when I could trust anyone with the innocence of a child. Now, I could barely trust myself. I stared into the glowing embers that were once my home, my heart pumping as the smoke billowing down the hill stung at my eyes and choked my lungs. I hadnt known how far I would go, or how far I could go, but this had to be it. How could I go farther than setting fire to the village full of the people I thought I had loved? Most people would close their eyes and cower in fear, try to pretend this wasn't happening. Not me though. I simply watched it all go down, not even flinching once.
I only had him to blame. I wasnt born that way: cruel, and willing to set my beloved village on fire. All right, that was for their own good, even if they didnt see it, but Im sure that if I had the inclination to try, I could have found a better, less deadly way to shut them up. But that was where he came in. It was how he taught me, how I was raised. I didnt see it at first: the way he treated me, or the way he watched me and hid me most of my life.
For as long as I could remember, he had truly been the only one there for me. I had respected him, enough to call him Papa, even though I knew he wasnt really my father. I could still remember the orphans home, if only barely. Just enough that, when asked, I could tell people the real truth, not one distorted by a childs forgotten memories. The real mystery was how I ended up there. For the longest time, it was the only unknown in my life. I always knew the sun would rise, and that Papa would be there with a slice of bread for breakfast. I would go to lessons with Mara, and come back to find him waiting for me. We would have lunch, I would do my chores, and then it would be time for supper. It was never changing. I liked it that way. I thought Papa did too.
It wasnt until a few years ago that he began to act differently around me. He began to have a shorter temper, and he began to challenge nearly everything I said. I didnt fight back; not at first. My silence just seemed to provoke him, though, and it only got worse. He became more of a disciplinarian. I began to sink farther into my own mind, choosing to hide everything from him. I knew that was why he had changed. I never should have told him, but somehow, I felt he already knew.
I was changing too, and in ways I didnt understand. Ways I knew werent normal. I began to see things, hear things, as if looking through eyes that werent my own. I then knew things I probably shouldnt have. I saw things I probably shouldnt have seen. I was afraid, and Papa was the only one I trusted enough to help me. It was that night, the one I told him, where he first became changed.
Who else have you told? He yelled at me. Then he shook me. Hard.
Nobody. I replied, my voice shaking and tears already streaming down my face. His grip loosened, but he didnt let go. I just wanted him to let go.
Dry those tears, Cosette. Dont tell anyone. Not Mara, and not any of the townspeople. He said. His voice was forcibly gentle, but I could still hear the evil hiding in the edges. I could only nod, thrown speechless by his harsh actions.
The next day he took me out of my lessons, saying he felt I wasnt learning enough and that he would teach me himself. He did teach me, but it wasnt anything like what I learned with Mara. These were strange things. He told me it was important history, things I should have been taught in my old lessons, but that some people didnt believe in them. The Shadowkeepers, that is. He taught me a lot about them using this big book I wasnt allowed to touch, with a cover of faded maroon leather that made it stand out on the highest part of the bookshelf, but only to someone looking. Every day, he would read me the same thing.
Edited By Lostwords13 on 7/26/2015 at 9:43 PM.
Lostwords13
Level 75
Vanquisher of Undead
Joined: 6/16/2013
Threads: 113
Posts: 2,098
Posted: 7/26/2015 at 9:42 PM
Post #3
New Version
Flames lapped at the ember colored sky. Smoke clouded the moon and the stars, until the only source of light was the fire itself. The smell was almost sickening, the sounds of the screams below almost deafening.
Crys stood at the top of the hill, looking down as the buildings slowly collapsed one by one. She had never imagined it would be like this. She hadn't foreseen the bitter cries of those who lives were quickly dissolving away into ash. She never could've realized how painful the ache of guilt and loss would be. She had always known it would take courage to do it, but now as she stood watching the consequences of her actions, she knew it would take all of her remaining courage to turn and flee. She knew she couldn't stay here. That, she had always known. But now, she had to leave this behind, knowing there were still people there, loosing their lives. In the past, she would've been inclined to save them, but not anymore.
As she turned to leave, she knew that she as leaving everything here in the past. She wasn't just turning her back on the village she had grown up in; she was turning her back on her life until that point. She couldn't go back. She had realized that when she saw her best friend dragged away by her feet just days before. Any life she had known before was gone forever in that instant, and it would never come back.
The cool Harvest wind whipped at her face as she ran away on swift feet. The seasons were changing with her, bringing new experiences; new dangers. She didn't know where she was going. She hadn't thought that far. She just ran full speed, her eyes blind to her surroundings.
~~~~
It had started days before, on what had been a normal morning. Her parents had sent her away for the day, alongside Mera, so she wouldn't get in their way during their morning chores. It was a common practice, and the girls were used to it. They made their way cheerfully towards the river, where they would spend the day fishing and skipping rocks.
As soon as they sat on the smooth riverside stones, Crys could tell something was different about he friend. Mera was visibly on edge, flinching at the slightest forest sound that they had grown so accustomed to. She fiddled numbly with her fishing hook, taking extra long o prepare it through shaking hands. Crys pretended not to notice, bu Mera gestured her closer.
Have you noticed anything....different? Mera asked. Confused, Crys shook her head.
What do you mean?
More people in Brayden, hanging around the market place. Father saw them yesterday. Father sent a messenger asking us to send him more flour to the bakery. Normally what he brings is plenty, but with these visitors, even the extra sacks ran out and he had to close early.
Mera stopped speaking for a moment, staring at the river with her face twisted in thought. Crys stared blankly into the distance as well. Something didn't seem right. Brayden often had an influx of visitors in the Greenbrought, when merchants from other villages came to sell their goods. But having these visitors come so late in the Harvest was rare. By now, most of their crops were harvested and sold, and fields were being prepared for the Snowfalling.
When father got home, he was telling us about them. They were strange people, with foreign accents. He said they wore the same uniform, made of materials he had never seen before. He said it looked like the metal e use for tools, but shinier. Some, he could even see his reflection in!
What are they doing here? Were they merchants?
Father didn't know, but he said they had nothing to sell. They just wandered aimlessly around the village, like they were looking for something.
Maybe they were just passing through. Brayden is a major stop on the trade route. Crys pointed out. The way Mera was talking was making her nervous. Her friend sounded scared. Mera fell silent again for a moment, not even noticing a fish bite at her line. Mera just let the line twitch, as if she hadn't noticed, and eventually the fish was gone.
Have you noticed anything changing, Crys? Anything different...about yourself?
The question caught Crys off guard. She stared at her friend quizzically. She was beginning to scare her more and more, the way she was speaking. Crys ha never seen her like this. To the younger girl, her friend looked scared, almost terrified. Mera's eyes turned to Crys, focusing on her. Crys stared into them. Mera had always been calm, a voice of reason, but her eyes now danced with confusion and insecurity.
What do you mean? Crys asked. Her voice came out unsteady against her will. The way Mera's eyes burned into her sent a shiver down Crys's spine.
Truth was, Crys knew exactly what she was talking about. She had noticed slight differences in herself. Mostly, it was a strange feeling that overcame her on occasion. It had only happened a few times, usually when her emotions were at a high. These happenings had started a year before. She could recall the first instance, when she had tripped while cleaning the horse stables in town. She had tripped on a fallen pitchfork, and cursing, fallen to the floor. She remembered the scraped knee, and how angry she had been that the pitchfork was not where it belonged. The strange feeling had overcome her, causing her body to shiver uncontrollably. She shook it off at the time, thinking it was just a reaction to the fall. What she hadnt noticed until now, however, was that by the time she had finished her chores, her scraped knee was completely healed, as if the fall had never happened.
I don't know how to explain it. Something is just...wrong. I want to figure out what. Mera said, pulling her knees to her chest and tossing another stone into the river. Crys nodded slowly, watching the stone disappear beneath the water. What her friend said next startled her. I think those men are after us.
Edited By Lostwords13 on 7/26/2015 at 9:45 PM.
Lostwords13
Level 75
Vanquisher of Undead
Joined: 6/16/2013
Threads: 113
Posts: 2,098
Posted: 7/26/2015 at 9:42 PM
Post #4
Reserved jsut in case
Lostwords13
Level 75
Vanquisher of Undead
Joined: 6/16/2013
Threads: 113
Posts: 2,098
Posted: 7/26/2015 at 9:42 PM
Post #5
That's all for now. The original goes into some really confusing bits that I don't feel like sorting through XD
The new version is only completed up to that point. well, a little bit farther since I started this as I've been multitasking, but I feel like that's a good spot to stop.
Any advice is appreciated! Constructive criticism, which is better, etc. I want to know people's opinions, as this story is pretty much my baby, as I've been working on it for ...oh...5 years now? And like any good parent, I want it to be the best it can be!
Edited By Lostwords13 on 7/26/2015 at 10:02 PM.
Watercolors
Level 74
The Artistic
Joined: 1/29/2015
Threads: 132
Posts: 2,481
Posted: 7/27/2015 at 1:17 AM
Post #6
I really like this story so far :) it's mysterious, it's got a lot of potential. I like the original version, it's great, but I like the new version a bit better. You can tell you really took your time and thoughtfully worded it to get the reactions you wanted. I like how it describes Mera more, it's a nice emotional link to the characters. It's got really nice figurative language, wording and uses. I'd say keep going! Don't give up, tweak and add till it rises up to your expectations.
My writing teacher told me, the best writers know any piece of literature can be improved. Don't be afraid to add or take away. I really like the secretive tint to the story. Myself, I like to jump from a nice cutting point to a farther point in the story so I can add in extra information later on without confusing readers or myself. I like how you describe enough in both versions to know what is going on, but still leave room for imagination. :)
(Sorry if this wasn't what you were looking for haha, just wanted to give some input I guess!)
Can I get the name of the story in case you post it here? I'd like to read it if you do!
Lostwords13
Level 75
Vanquisher of Undead
Joined: 6/16/2013
Threads: 113
Posts: 2,098
Posted: 7/27/2015 at 1:48 AM
Post #7
Thanks, that was definitely helpful =3
And in the original, I actually cut it before one of my least favorite parts XD The next paragraph contains so much information, that even as the author it makes my head hurt XD It basically explains an entire "race" of people in 3 paragraphs lol.
And as for titles, nothing set in stone yet. I know for a fact that the series is going to be called Shadowkeepers. Its the name of the "race" that is the main focus of the series. I also know for a fact that there will be 2 books in the series (currently only have working titles for those) but there may be more depending on how things go with them.
I may post at last a few chapters on here in the future, once they are written. Haven't decided for sure yet though XD
Avaelle
Level 60
Joined: 6/3/2015
Threads: 7
Posts: 291
Posted: 7/27/2015 at 9:00 AM
Post #8
I like the new version better for many reasons, most of those having to do with character building.
In the first version, I thought the character was an arsonist. So, basically, a psychopath. I was really distraught by this, because for me, the character didn't fit at all : If she had been abused, like it was suggested, and an orphan, she would probably be extremely submissive, and this was confirmed by the way you said "she didn't answer" to Papa. But then arsonist don't fit the profile, and I was confused, especially since you said it was for their own good (which screams narcissism). Then, for me the fantasy dropped just like a bug on the soup, and I was like "I just read everything wrong ????"
In the second part, the way it's written makes the reader understand that there is a good reason for her to burn the village. You're immediately asking yourself "why would anyone do that" and you welcome the eerie/fantasy was easier. You also made her seem less submissive, which helps a lot, because it's rare to see non-dominant protagonists, and for a reason.... They don't go on adventures XD
Lostwords13
Level 75
Vanquisher of Undead
Joined: 6/16/2013
Threads: 113
Posts: 2,098
Posted: 7/27/2015 at 3:13 PM
Post #9
Yeah, I definitely have to agree. Originally, the complicated idea behind the "race" was that a curse had been set on them, causing them to basically make wrong choices and think they were good. (A common example I would use is helping an old lady cross the street....right in front of oncoming traffic.) Good intentions, bad decisions type of thing. It....didn't go well. at all. It as very difficult to convey in a way that was understandable, even to me. And, as you said, it made them seem more like psychopaths rather than confused children xD
Te new version uses a slightly different dynamic. I'm still working out the kinks tbh, but its going to be more along the lines of they automatically obey the person who set the curse. Again....still working out the kinks on it, but its going to make a lot more sense I hope. Also, I'm making the magic a bit different as well to aid that. Originally, each character had a specific set of abilities. The new version, they just have generic magic, which they have to learn how to control. I think I ma even just take out the curse completely, and just have the antagonist gather the race up and "train" them to use their magic,while training them to do his bidding.
Avaelle
Level 60
Joined: 6/3/2015
Threads: 7
Posts: 291
Posted: 7/27/2015 at 6:38 PM
Post #10
sure, why not, but be careful not to be too generic, since the subject has been nearly mined dry already =P
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