I wrote this and am starting to expand on it. I need critiques!
Fairy Tale Delinquents
Snow White, What the Judges Found in the Background Check
BACKGROUND CHECK
Name of Employer: B.B Wolf Email Address of Employer: getwolfy@everafterpreschools.com
Place of Work: Ever After Preschool Phone Number of Employer: 713- 333- WOLF
APPLICANT INFORMATION
Position Applying For: Preschool Teacher
First Name: Snow Middle Name: Grimm Last Name: White
DOB: 12/31/1812. Driver's License: 1938492948. Social Security: 183749173927
Email Address: youknowshescrazy@yahoo.com. Race: Fairy Tale Character
Address: 47062 Maleficent Drive. City: Thornforest Oaks. State: Grimm's FairyLand
Other Notes:
You really ever thought the Witch existed? You have GOT to be kidding me. No, the Witch is some story, (one of many, I'm sure.) that a delusional 8 year old Snow White made up. It may have been because she hated her nice, kind, normal mom and dad. She probably held a grudge, because when they went to get her tested for insanity, she proved negative. Who really knows? This is her story. The TRUE story of Snow White.
" Ahh, ahh, ahh!" 'sang' Snow White. It honestly sounded worse than the crows outside her window. " Snow White!" Her mother called up to her loft. ( You see, the castle was a lie too.) "We love your singing, but could you please quiet down a little bit?" Snow stuck her tongue out and looked in the mirror. ( She was convinced it was a magic mirror, because she thought she was beautiful, not ugly like the mirror showed.
She glared at the photo of her mom which was hung on the wall. So she decided to run away. She packed her bag with all of 3 things. A hairbrush, her mirror, and a red bow for her hair. She then ran out the front door. (The dwarves never truly existed. She only thought they did, because they had 7 garden gnomes in their front yard.)
She ran through the small copse of trees in her front yard, shrieking/ singing loudly the whole way. She confused the birds with her loudness, so they all flocked to her side, along with the squirrels and bunnies. She didn't actually make it that far, because she was stung by a bee, and had an allergic reaction, which caused her to pass out.
An hour later, the local baker found her, and slapped her across the face to wake her up. There wasn't any " kissing" involved at all. She only invented this, because she secretly liked the Baker. In your dreams, Snow. Snow groggily game to, and invented this whole livelong story about the nonexistent Witch feeding her a poisoned apple, and putting a poisoned brush in her hair. She really thinks this Witch is out to get her, doesn't she? And then her Prince, ( The Baker) saving her. Answer me this: On what planet does slapping someone across the face constitute becoming a hero? It doesn't. Henceforth, delusional Snow White. Anyways, Snow White trundled home, and told her parents this whole livelong story. (All of which her parents wrote down, because they were famous writers.) Then her parents made up this completely unrealistic book. So this is why the Judges think Snow White shouldn't become a preschool teacher.
THE COURT HAS RULED THAT SNOW WHITE SHOULD NOT AND WILL NOT BECOME A PRESCHOOL TEACHER
New!
Rapunzel , What the Judges Found in the Background Check
BACKGROUND CHECK
Name of Employer: U. Sister One Email Address of Employer: uglyyeah@hotmail.com
Place of Work: Best Dressed in Grimm. Phone Number of Employer: 713- 567- UGLY
APPLICANT INFORMATION
Position Applying For: Dressmaker
First Name: Rapunzel Middle Name: Grimm Last Name: Black
DOB: 12/30/ 1812. Driver's License: 3645865678 Social Security: 58895943268904
Email : hairyprincess@hotmail.com Race: Fairy Tale Character
Address: 42849 Maleficent Drive. City: Thornforest Oaks. State: Grimm's FairyLand
Other Notes:
You really believe this kid's sob story? 'Cause I sure don't. She was locked in a tower for her own safety! Her parents knew from the START of that she was psychotic. Strangling pet frog, etc. So, apparently, judging by the movies, she was delusional too. That makes me ever so sad. 2 princesses now. One was bad enough. This one apparently made up a Witch as well. Maybe they were friends. This is Rapunzel's story. The TRUE story of Rapunzel.
" Heh, heh heh!" An 8 year old Rapunzel giggled evilly as she strangled her poor, poor pet frog. Her mother walked into the room. " Rapunzel! What the heck are you DOING!" The poor frog had by now turned pale green. " That is your third pet frog! I've given up. We're going to have to lock you away now."
" Surely mommy, you're kidding, right?" The child asked. She loosened her grip on the frog, and it happily hopped out of the window. " No Rapu. I'm not kidding. Last year, me and your dad had a tower built in the middle of nowhere, just in case. Pack your bags, Rapu."
Poor Rapunzel began to cry. But she couldn't argue. Maybe she was feeling a little psychotic lately. Anyways, she obediently packed her bag like the good little girl she knew she wasn't and ran down the stairs. Her parents drove her to the previously locked tower, and walked her up the stairs. They then locked her in the dingy room.
Then, when she's seventeen, this prince thinks he's all high and mighty rescuing this "princess." He had no idea what he was getting into. Anyways, he frees her, and lets her wreak havoc on the land. That poor soul. He thinks he loves her, and then figures out she's a psychopath. Oh dear...
Then she grows her hair out really long, and then uses that as her weapon. No one ever thought to cut off her hair when she was strangling them? Seriously? Then again, when you're about to be strangled, you really aren't thinking about much, are you?
And then she goes to visit her parents... That was bad. But her parents write it down all the same, and then you see some of these goofy movies, and you think, oh no. Because Rapunzel was apparently a great storyteller too. And so were her parents, because I guess they didn't want to be arrested for child cruelty. This is why Rapunzel should not become a dressmaker. She could potentially hurt someone.
THE COURT HAS RULED THAT RAPUNZEL SHOULD NOT, AND WILL NOT BECOME A DRESS MAKER.
Belle, What the Judges Found in the Background Check
BACKGROUND CHECK
Name of Employer: G. Locks Email Address of Employer: porridgeisevil@hotmail.com
Place of Work: Jelly is Better Phone Number of Employer: 713- 484- MEAH
APPLICANT INFORMATION
Position Applying For: Mixer
First Name: Belle Middle Name: Grimm Last Name: Braxton
DOB: 12/30/ 1812. Driver's License: 6381847292 Social Security: 371936183
Email : diaryofagirlwhomarriedaweirdo@hotmail.com Race: Fairy Tale Character
Address: 38293 Maleficent Drive. City: Thornforest Oaks. State: Grimm's FairyLand
Other Notes:
Okay, so who on Earth believes that Belle got kidnapped by some evil bear thing? Not I. Not anyone. So, let's do what we always do and tell the true story.
Okay, so Belle was not a teenager. She was 5 years old, and followed her father into a castle when he was trading with a rich merchant, because she wanted books. Who was that hot guy who wanted to marry her? He never existed. Nice try, Belle.
She followed him into the castle, and then got hopelessly lost. Her father, in the meantime, didn't even know she was gone. Do you see a talking candlestick, clock, closet, and teapots anywhere in here? Nope. That's cause they DONT EXIST!
A few mice found her, and being the crazy small child that she was, she followed them. Maybe her parents dropped her on her head when she was little. Anyways, she eventually found a small room, and she stayed there for a while. Soon, a young five year old boy who had also been trapped came to her as well. You see, no kidnapping! That crazy/creepy bear thing never existed.
One night, she got scared by some shadows in the room, and a bad dream. Her father, who had retraced his steps to find her, heard her all-too-familiar scream, and went to find her. She and the boy was safely transported home, and later, she wrote a book about her 'life'. Nope, sorry. Just not a romantic story.
The book got published, and she became rich and famous. Anyways, Belle Braxton should not become a jelly maker because she may just forget what she truly wants, and steal all of the jelly, just like her email address says, that she married a weirdo, because she didn't know what she wanted.
THE COURT HAS RULED THAT BELLE SHOULD NOT, AND WILL NOT BECOME A JELLY MAKER. |
Okay, you did ask for ratings.
Cute idea, but needs a lot of work. Your sentence structure needs fixing, and honestly, you don't get 'tested' for 'insanity'. You can say she was evaluated, possibly for things such as being a compulsive liar, etc, but this just smacks of not doing your research.
Also, almost every sentence you have starts with 'She'.
It's a cute, clever idea, but it reads awkwardly and clunkily. Also, spell check and grammar check are your friends.
5/10. It's a cute idea, but the execution isn't very well done. Work on making your sentences flow better, do your research when you're going to talk about someone potentially having mental instability, try to avoid starting every sentence with 'she', and honestly, none of this reads like someone professional 'evaluating' anyone. It sounds like a kid gossiping about fellow students. Your idea and point of each story is supposed to be a professional evaluation for a position of some kind, and it needs to sound like that.
Beyond that, 'race' is 'fairy tale character'? That doesn't seem right. I would find something else to use there. |
