Once upon a time there was a litte boy named Puto.Puto and his friend Claire were playing in a forest.None of them knew how to read because both of there parents were too poor to pay for a school and both of them never wanted to learn.In front of the forest there was a sign that said "WARNING:Do not enter!Anyone found in this forest will have there head chopped off by order of the king".Puto and Claire went into the forest to make a camp to stay for the night because Puto's father got mad at him and Puto ran away.Claire went with him because she didn't want him to get hurt.Puto tripped over something and looked at what he tripped on,when he looked he found he tripped on a old chest!Puto grabbed a rock to break the lock with but before he could break it Claire stopped him."I don't think we should open that!"Said Claire."Why not?"Asked Puto."I just have a feeling."Said Claire."Soooo"Said Puto"Maybe it will help us".Claire opened her mouth to say something but then closed it.Puto Broke the lock and opened the chest.Puto grabbed a book that seemed a thousand years old."Wow this sucked"Said Puto saddly."Wait,there is something else!"Said Claire.Claire reached into the chest and took out a bag.Claire opened the bag and inside the bag was a Crown."Wow!"Said Claire"We're rich!"Claire turned to Puto."Now we can but some food and other stuff in the market!"Said Claire to Puto.Puto was gone.Claire looked around for him but never found him!Claire finally looked at the crown again and saw Puto was trapped inside a jew on the crown!

To Be Continued....




If you liked it and wonder what happens next don't worry!I will make a 2nd part soon as a reply.

Hello here, I read your work so far and would like to share a few things :

First, you need to learn to make your work more readable. I'm sorry, but I didn't want to read it at first, just because it's a full block of words. Use paragraph to let the reader breathe.

Second, for the beginning of a story, it lacks context. I understand it's only a beggining, but there are no introduction whatsoever of the world, or the people there, or their aim. All of this make the scene a bit "fuzzy".

Third, I may not be the best to say this, since English is not my native language, but it seems the writing need to be reworked a bit. I noticed several repetitions (ex : tripped).


Last, but not least : I believe you meant jewel, and not jew ^^


I hope I didn't offend you saying all this, it wasn't my aim.

I am always looking for tips.This is my first story that is not a comic book about a super hero,thank you and i will try to make a better story next time!(BTW what is your native language?)

Well I'm not saying the story in itself is bad, just that it's going a bit too fast =P and I'm french by the way ^^

Cool!

Hello I looked through your story and even though it is a beginning you have some work you need to do. First off you need to make a new paragraph when someone speaks.
For example:
"James! Stop don't come over here." Rena said.
"Rena!" James moved towards her slowly trying to be careful and not fall.

Something like that would make your story more readable.

Secondly you need to separate your paragraphs more and check for sentence cutoffs and run-on sentences. When you do that your sentences wont be so choppy or hard to get through.

Third you need to double check spelling as even a couple misspelled words can ruin a story.

Fourth you need to indent your sentences so you know when a sentence starts.

Fifth you need to develop the story line and settings by making them more descriptive so your not telling your whole story. If you tell it makes it seem less like a story and more like a narrative.

I hope these tips where useful to you and can help improve your story writing. I took creative writing and if you ever need tips on writing you should look up good guides or find someone to go over your writing. Good luck from a fellow writer.

Thank you for the tips!

I will do this in 2 weeks and maybe sooner if anyone wants me to do it sooner please ask and maybe I will but keep in mind I AM A WRITER IN TRAINING!!If you have any helpful tips for me just ping me or private message me.