7/15/19

"I intend to live forever or die trying"
-(I forgot who said this)



Hey guys, expect the next five days or so to be joke-free. I'll post the make-up jokes on the sixth day, don't worry!

7/16/19

I came up with a new word yesterday: 'Plagiarism'.


7/17/19

You know what they say about cliffhangers...


7/18/19

Why does a chicken coop have two doors? If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.


7/19/19

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."
-A. A. Milne


7/20/19

"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target."
-Ashleigh Brilliant

7/21/19

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. Hes not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
"I think my friend is dead!" he yells. "What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. First, lets make sure hes dead."
Theres a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

(apparently this is the world's funniest joke XD)

7/22/19

How do you make a small fortune on horse racing? Start with a large fortune.

7/23/19

"Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?"
-George Carlin

7/24/19

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. Hes telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. "What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?" she demands. "What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?"

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.

"You keep out of this!" she yells. "Im talking to that little jerk on your knee!"

7/25/19

"I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Lets make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess."
-Matt Kirshen


7/26/19

"When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. Thats why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship."
-****** Gregory

7/27/19

"I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today.
Don't worry, I'm not hurt.
It was a soft drink."
-Syd Collado


7/28/19

"Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
Son: No. What happened?
Dad: The teacher woke him up."

Heyo, with summer ending and all that, I won't be able to post daily jokes (or daily anything, for that matter). I might pick this back up later, who knows, but life sometimes gets in the way. But anywho, here's one last joke for you guys:


"Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of red, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later Holmes woke up, nudged his faithful friend and said, "Watson, I want you to look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars." Sherlock said, "And what does that tell you?"

After a minute or so of pondering Watson said, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Metereologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day today. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for about 30 seconds and said, "Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!"