7/1/19

An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.

7/2/19

"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height."
-Casey Stengel

7/3/19

"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is."
-Ellen DeGeneres

7/4/19

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? At the bottom.

"It's foolproof!"
"No, my friend. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool."

7/6/19

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
-Woody Allen


7/7/19

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
-Will Rogers

7/8/19

"Its amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."
-Jerry Seinfeld


7/9/19

"Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard."
-Margaret Culkin Banning


7/10/19

"Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."
-Mark Twain

7/11/19

"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I cant remember the other two."
-Norman Wisdom

7/12/19

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
-Fred Allen

7/13/19

"Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired."
-Will Ferrell


7/14/19

"Im not afraid of death; I just dont want to be there when it happens."
-Woody Allen